Lessons From A Breakup!

Back in October, I wrote a piece entitled “Sexy Ways to Survive Your Break-up!” At the time, I was the one doing the breaking up. So, I felt confident and sexy and ready to be single. It felt natural to have fun and be free. I mean, I was out of a bad relationship and wanted to be happy! But for this blog, things are different. I was the one dumped. Yes, dumped. It’s such an awful word. It implies that something was wrong with me and that I had to be gotten rid of. But, the truth is, sometimes things just don’t work out for one reason or another…

Let me give a little background info. I began dating someone around the end of March. We’ll call him “Kevin”. Kevin seemed like a very nice guy. He was a gentleman, appreciated my curves, and was not intimidated by my openness and sexuality (at least not that I know of). Things seemed to be going well. We enjoyed each other’s company and the sex was decent enough, though lackluster. Everything was ok in my mind. Then out of the blue, Kevin stopped communicating with me. I texted him out of concern and got a text in return explaining that I was being dumped. Yep, a text. No explanation for the change in behavior. No explanation as to what happened. Needless to say, I was a LOT surprised.

So here I am, feeling a bit bruised and confused. I’m wondering what it is I can do to make things better. I’m also wondering what lessons I can take away from the situation. So, I re-read my original blog  “Sexy Ways to Survive Your Break-up!” I wanted to see if there is a different take now that I am the one who is on the shit end of this stick. And, this particular tip really stood out to me:

5. Learn from it.

Learning from your mistakes is sexy. Why? Because knowing your needs and wants makes you a more confident person, and therefore a sexier person. Next time, you’ll know more about what you do and don’t want/need. You’ll look for someone who is interested in fulfilling your desires, as much as they are interested in having theirs fulfilled. You won’t settle for less. That knowledge confidence, and power is all extremely sexy!

WOW! I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but… that is pretty powerful advice. It’s really smart advice! And we’ve all heard that the sexiest organ in our bodies is our BRAINS. So, I wanted to expand on that kind of sexiness and give my readers some smart lessons I learned from my break-up. Any time you think smart and act smart, you’ll definitely feel confident and sexy!

1. Listen to your gut next time…

Throughout the whole relationship with Kevin, I felt in my gut that something was off. I didn’t quite get the feeling he was 100% into me. I didn’t quite get the feeling he was ONLY seeing me. Even though he said he was monogamous with me, I really don’t think I was the only woman he was involved with. Trust me… there were red flags that pointed to this. I just ignored them. So, one of my smart tips is to go into a relationship with eyes wide open. Don’t let sex and romance cloud your judgment. Pay attention to red flags. And if your instincts are telling you something is wrong, go with your gut and trust your inner alarm bells!! You’ll feel a LOT sexier after a break-up if you don’t feel foolish and used.

2. Don’t settle for less than you want and need…

I was in a long-term relationship before I met Kevin. The guy I was with was very compatible with me in terms of interests, hobbies, and sex. We had an adventurous sex life and I was never bored. In short, we always had fun with each other. But, he lacked a level of affection and emotional depth that left me feeling more like a friend with benefits, and less like a girlfriend or partner in life. Kevin, however, was extremely affectionate and present. He communicated with me every day, did things for me around the house, and always paid for everything. However, we had ZERO in common and the sex was only s0-s0.. To put it simply, he was not that much fun to be around. We seriously lacked that friendship component that I feel is essential for a successful relationship. While I understand you’re not going to find everything you want in one person, you still shouldn’t settle! Having your needs and wants met is sexy. Having the confidence and security to hold out for someone who can meet most of your needs and wants is sexy. Being in a relationship where you feel fulfilled will certainly make you feel sexy, too!

3. Respect yourself and be a bar of gold…

I love, love, love sex! I’m almost 40 and I want it all.the.time. Masturbation is ok. But, it just doesn’t get the job done for me. It leaves me wanting more, more, more than some batteries can provide. So, I tend to jump quickly into sex with a new romantic interest. I mean, the sex wasn’t that great. It was vanilla and predictable, and I often didn’t get to finish before he did. But if you’re horny like me, even mediocre sex is better than masturbation. That certainly made it harder to see red flags. I feel like I let the regular sex cloud my judgment. I let my sexual needs keep me from seeing I was being misled… by Kevin AND by myself! I used to be ok with casual sex and friends with benefits arrangement. Yet, this time I felt used. It’s a gross feeling…  Despite this, I have begun to feel something pretty incredible about myself… I am a bar of gold. My body is a treasure. I shouldn’t just give it away so quickly and easily. If you are ok with casual sex, go for it. But for me, recognizing my worth is much, much sexier!

I know this a departure from my typical blogs. But, I am on a journey… a sexy journey. And, this was a stop along the way… I’ll resume my normally scheduled freak-tastic blogs shortly! 🙂

For more tips on how to feel sexy, check out my blog “Bringing your sexy back!”

And with that…

Bringing your sexy back!

I’ll admit it… a few months ago, I did not feel sexy at all. Yes, me, the sex shop blogger. In the past year, I’ve gained about 20 pounds thanks to a pretty stressful change in my career. I am a curvy girl and usually embrace my body with confidence and joy. But, I’ve felt sluggish due to a lack of exercise. I am just so very busy! And well, lacking the time to care for yourself, plus a general state of exhaustion, doesn’t do much for your self-esteem.

On top of that, I experienced a pretty big break-up. The break-up had me questioning my self-worth, as break-ups often do. Hey, I’m human… AND a woman!! It happens. Afterwards, I went out on a lot of disappointing dates. Yes, I had rebound sex with a few of them. But, the sex was LAME. We’re talking so bad you’re not sure if you should laugh or cry. Conclusion? Rebound sex hasn’t done much for my self-esteem either. I could pinch myself for stooping so low! YUCK! Again, I’m human. It happens.

So, there I was, not feeling sexy at all. And let me tell you – It’s hard to inspire others to have a healthy sex life when you yourself are not feeling all that sexy. I had to do something. Somehow, I had to get my sexy back. And you know what? I did and it’s paid off. I am enjoying my body more. I have more swivel in my hips. My boobs feel perkier. My lips seem more kissable. And most of all, I am enjoying sex again! (It turns out that not all dates are disappointing). I am having fun with my partner and feel sexy, sexual, and sensual. Here’s what had to happen:

1. I decided to stop online dating – Have you ever tried online dating? It’s a sexiness killer. It’s a meat market. And if you’re not the prime cut, you’re the chopped liver. All books are judged by their cover. So, I took myself off the shelf. Why on Earth should I let a bunch of shallow men determine my worth? I’ve known all along that I am sexy, curves and all. I truly believe sexiness comes from within!! It’s all in the attitude. But, I had let a bunch of strangers convince me otherwise. So, I took my sexy back and vowed never again to let other people determine my sex appeal.

2. I decided to be myself… relentlessly – Again, this is something I have been very good about doing in the past. Being comfortable in your own skin is sexy. But, I had forgotten how empowering it is… and how freeing! When you don’t give a flying fuck about what others think of you, your confidence improves. Trust me.

3. I faked it until I felt it – I wasn’t 100% sure that I believed all the self-hype. I am a woman. And let’s face it, women tend to be insecure. So, I decided to pretend to be sexy until I believed I was sexy.

4. As part of #3, I decided to dress the part – I bought new bras and panties in pretty, flattering colors. For some reason, sexy underwear really makes me feel sexy, even if no one else ever sees it. I also bought some sexy shoes. I made of point of looking “cute” as much as possible, accentuating the things that make me sexy – my eyes, breasts, hips, and legs. I made a point of wearing make-up every day. I painted my toes in sexy colors and kept my feet pedicured. I made sure my nails were manicured, too. Now, I am not saying I did this every day, just as much as possible. Why? If I look sexy, I’LL FEEL SEXY!

5. And finally, I did a little self-love – I had forgotten how to express my sexual needs in my last relationship. This made sex very unsatisfying. Plus, when you don’t feel sexy, you don’t really want to have sex anyways. So recently, I decided to make a point of pleasing myself whenever possible. I touched my own breasts. I took the time to pleasure myself, make myself feel sexual and satisfied. I took back the power of pleasure, from something I expected others to give me, to instead something I should claim for myself. I regained my voice in the bedroom.

However, maybe you’re not a single woman rediscovering her sexiness. Maybe you’re in a relationship and things are stale. Perhaps you’re in a relationship and just feeling blah. All of the same rules above apply!

• Stop worrying about what others think! If, you’re partner wants to have sex with you. That’s all that matters.
• And, don’t compare yourself to others. It’s just a self-destructive way to highlight your flaws.
• Be yourself… extra weight, wrinkles, and all! No one is perfect. We all have physical flaws. Don’t let them stop you from being sexy, or enjoying sex. If you wait until you are perfect, you’re never going to have sex again!
• Fake it until you make it. In other words, have sex even if you don’t really want to. The more you have sex with your partner, the more you’ll begin to want it again.
• Ditch the sweats. Put a little effort into your appearance. Also, admire you own body and accentuate the parts you love.
• Buy sexy lingerie that highlights those areas. Flattering, new lingerie or sexy boxer can go a long way to boosting your internal sexiness.
• Exercise… you may not instantly become a super model. But, you will have more energy and stamina.
• Masturbate… because it feels good and teaches you what you need to orgasm.
• Then, tell your partner what you need to orgasm. Just explaining it to them can be enough to make them want to rip your clothes off!
• Ditch the distractions. Spend a day without TV, radios, the laptop, even the kids! Just spend a day delighting in your partner’s company.
• Be naked a lot. Get comfortable being naked. Learn to enjoy the feel of your own skin. Love your lumps, curves, and dimples. Once you’re ok with your naked body, you’ll ooze sexiness!
• Take naked pictures of yourself, even if it’s just of your favorite area, and send them to your partner. The reaction you get will confirm your sexiness.

I promise if you follow my advice, you’ll get your sexy back soon. You just have to remember that sexiness is something that comes from within you. It’s something you have to nurture. If you neglect your sexiness, it shows. Take time to do things for yourself, harnessing your inner sexy beast. You are sexy! Just believe it!

Need more ideas? Check out our selection of lingerie, toys, and pleasure gels to get you in a sexy mood!