BDSM 101: Kinky Basics for Everyone

Maybe you already know what BDSM is, and going a little further intrigues you. Perhaps you’ve dabbled with spanking your partner. Or, maybe you’ve tied each other up with scarves. But now, you want to try more BDSM fun in the bedroom.

Or, maybe you’ve never heard of BDSM. Perhaps, you’re intimidated by the idea. Or, maybe you just don’t know how to get started, but would be interested in trying something like this in the bedroom.

Well, this is your primer for BDSM. I’m going to give you some basic ideas to get your kinky juices flowing!

First of all, let’s define BDSM:

B = bondage – using restraints as part of an intimate relationship

D = domination – a dominant partner controlling and/or punishing a submissive partner

S & M = sadism and masochism – giving (s) and receiving (m) pleasure from pain

Getting started… When getting started with any BDSM activity, talk to your partner FIRST! Discuss what you would like to try and come up with a game plan. It’s important to set up boundaries before you ever venture down this road. Why? It’s because many BDSM activities require a high level of trust between partners. So, talk, talk, talk about what you will and won’t do! Then, decide on a safe word, or code word, to use with your partner when you want things to stop. Remember, it’s ok to stop and regroup. You should never feel like you can’t trust your partner!

Now, let’s break everything down. I’m going to give you some basic ideas according to where they fall in the BDSM spectrum. Some of them might not be your thing, and that’s ok! The idea is to spice things up within YOUR comfort zone.

Bondage – There are so many easy ways to incorporate bondage into your sex life!

• Grab a leash and walk your partner around the bedroom
• Use furry handcuffs or silk rope to restrict your partner’s use of their hands, or to lock them to a bedpost or chair
• Try a ball gag to muffle your partner’s pleas for mercy or cries of ecstasy
• Use a spreader bar to restrict the use of your partner’s legs
• Go all the way and use hog ties or wrist and leg cuffs to completely restrict your partner’s movements

Domination – This is all about one person being in charge, with the other relinquishing control.

• Pretend your partner is your love slave and have them work to earn their freedom by doing anything you say
• Control your partner by repeatedly stimulating them, but not allowing them to have an orgasm
• Role play having one of you be the servant (think French maid, pool boy, love robot, etc.)
• Try a remote controlled panty vibe where you or your partner is in charge of the amount of stimulation received
• Use a blindfold and do not allow your partner to see what you’re about to do next

S&M – This is all about giving and/or receiving pain. But, it doesn’t mean you have to hurt each other. Start on the softer side with any of these suggestions and work your way up to more intensity!

• Try using nipple clamps for an exciting pinch
• Pick up a paddle, riding crop, or leather flogger, then lightly smack each other on sensitive areas
• Drip hot wax onto each other’s backsides
• Try an electro-stimulation kit on sensitive areas with the dial set to low
• Use your teeth to gently bite sensitive areas

Want to try some of the ideas above? Check out our BDSM selection online. You’ll find many items to help you get started.

Want to try some harder stuff? Do your research! Talk to your partner about your desires AND boundaries. And, the visit one of our 3 Charlotte are stores. We have a much larger, and kinkier, selection of BDSM items in-store.

 

Sexual Fantasies and XXX Daydreaming

So, I am 100% pro-fantasy. In fact, if you could read my mind, you’d see I fantasize a LOT! Sometimes, it’s like there’s a XXX movie playing in my head. I’m a creative person. Maybe that’s why I’m constantly coming up with scenarios for my sex life. It frustrates Mr. Big, my partner. I’ve heard him say on more than one occasion, “It’s like the Rolling Stones, honey… we can’t play all our greatest hits in one night!!!” Bless his heart. I think I exhaust him…

I know not all of my fantasies can or will come true. But, it never hurts to dream… right?

Like for instance, I was in training the other day and this cute, butch woman was leading the training. What did I do? I spent part of the class fantasizing about pussy grinding… PUSSY GRINDING. What did I take away from the class? That I want to pussy grind as soon as possible. I want to find a hot woman, get naked, and rub against her. Yep.

Or, the other night, Mr. Big was talking about watching the series OZ, a prison drama that HBO produced a decade ago. What did I do? I started fantasizing about some big, buff prison thug making my lover his bitch. In this fantasy, I am the prison warden, watching it all play out, waiting for my turn with the billy club…. Mr. Big was not entirely thrilled with my fantasy, but he was amused.

What’s wrong with these little mini-pornos running through my mind from time to time? Well, other than not having enough time, energy or partner, there’s nothing wrong with a little fantasizing!

Everyone has sexual fantasies, from the mundane to the down right freak-a-licious! Think about it… Most of you have had fantasies about having sex in a public place like a bathroom or the hood of a car. Lots of you have had fantasies of threesomes or watching your partner have sex with someone else. A lot of women fantasize about girl-on-girl. We’re human. We daydream. And, fantasies are healthy. They can increase your arousal during sex. Plus, fantasies allow you to do things you would not do in real life, and the outcome is always positive. It’s a win-win!

So, you don’t want to keep daydreaming like me? Then you may be asking yourself, “how do I make my fantasies come true?” I can’t tell you a step-by-step for every fantasy you may have. There’s honestly not enough blog space for just MY fantasies. And, keep in mind that I am not a licensed couple’s counselor, nor a sex therapist. But, I can help you open up the dialogue with your partner. Here’s my advice:

Test the waters – Start by showing your partner a porn with a scenario you’d like to act out. Then, ask them what they think of that scenario. Your partner should be pretty honest with you about it under those circumstances, and you’ll be able to gauge whether revealing more is a possibility. You could also present your fantasy as a wild dream you had and see how your partner reacts. Or, ask them to visit a sex shop with you and see what they gravitate towards.

Ease it into conversation SLOWLY – I think it’s best to start small. In my opinion, you should never go for a full reveal if you don’t think your partner is that adventurous. In other words, if you want to reveal your ideas, don’t do it all at once. You may intimidate, scare, or alienate your partner by rushing things. If you think your partner is open to a threesome, ask them what would turn them on about the fantasy. Getting them to open up to you will make it easier for you to discuss your ideas.

The theme here is communication! You honestly will never know unless you ask. Once you begin having these conversation with your partner, you open the door to a greater level of sexual creativity between the two of you!

Say WHAT? 10 Strange Sex Laws You Won’t Believe!

I’m sure I’ve broken a few laws during sex – laws of nature, laws of physics, laws of thermodynamics… Hell, this girl can get really freaky when she feels like it. But, there are some pretty crazy laws in various states that could actually land you in jail! I’m pretty sure I’ve never broken any of THESE laws… Maybe you have?

CALIFORNIA – Anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom… Well, best to play it safe with SATAN! You don’t know who or WHAT he’s been having sex with down there in Hell…

FLORIDA – Sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal… Uhm, ok. Wouldn’t that hurt? And besides, there are other kinds of pricks in this world!

GEORGIA – It is illegal to purchase or possess marital aides (vibrators, dildos, etc.)… OOPS! We’d be in trouble! Major, major trouble. I guess there are some things I am willing to go to jail for…

ILLINOIS – Nuzzling or kissing a reptile is prohibited… Well, stay away from the players at the bar because they tend to be total snakes…

PENNSYLVANIA – It is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth… I just wonder if you have to pay for that in exact change…

KANSAS – Anyone caught engaging in anal sex draws a maximum sentence of six months in jail… Hmmm… What If you were in jail when you got caught?

VIRGINIA – It is illegal to copulate in any position except missionary or have sex with the lights on… Oooh! Be a rebel and have sex doggy style in the dark, because that’s so sick and twisted *eyeroll*…

WEST VIRGINIA – It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs… UHM, say WHAT?! As if a smaller animal makes it any better…

ARKANSAS – Moose are not allowed to have sex on city streets… Well, you’re damn skippy they shouldn’t! Who wants to see that?

RHODE ISLAND – Oral sex is considered “abominable, detestable crime against nature,” and such activity brings a 7-to-10-year stretch in the penitentiary… Shit. Sometimes when I am down there, it FEELS like a 7-to-10-year stretch…

 

So, if  you feel like breaking any laws, you BETTER make it worth it! Hit up the RedDoor before you commit the crime and go down with a blaze of sexy glory!

The Business of Ohs

When people find out what I do for a living, they have two reactions: “OH, er, uhm…” or “Ohhhh! That sounds like a fun job”. And to be honest, my job is FULL of oh’s… So their reaction is fitting. But, you may wonder what it’s actually like to work in a sex shop. I bet that based on those two reactions, you have the wrong idea.

Let’s address the first kind of “OH”. That’s the reaction I get from folks who are sketched out by sex… the ones who are scared to talk about it out loud. That’s the response I get from people too embarrassed to actually shop in person at a sex store. And therein lies the misconception that produces that kind of “OH”, the wide-eyes and awkward moment, dropped like a lead balloon on my feet kind of “OH”. It’s ok to be private about your sex life. I’m not saying that you should be wildly open about it. But sex itself, or working in a sex shop, should in fact NOT be embarrassing or awkward. They shouldn’t be because sex is a natural thing. It’s a wonderful thing when shared between two people who care about each other. And even if they don’t care about each other, it can still be a tremendously fun activity. Finding ways to please yourself and/or your partner should not be a bad thing. Helping you discover those ways is part of my job. It actually makes me feel good to help you feel good. I find it fulfilling. So do my coworkers.

And what about that second kind of “Ohhhhh”? Well, yes, it is a fun job. But, it’s not ALL fun and games. I take it seriously. Many people come in because they don’t know how to achieve pleasure. They are unhappy in their sex lives and really want help. That’s no fun for them at all. Those kinds of situations require more tact and sensitivity than fun… Or they come in because they have erectile dysfunction… Or they’ve had a female or male related cancer and are experiencing issues with sexual intercourse. Those are delicate situations that I don’t handle with fun. I handle them with compassion and care. The bottom line is that you encounter so many types of people, with a huge variety of desires, needs, and wants. You can’t always assume that it’s all fun and games.

It’s a very HUMAN job, where people are open about their most basic needs, wants, and desires. We’re dealing with such a private aspect of our customers’ lives. We want everyone to feel comfortable in our store – whether they are in happy or unhappy, open or closed,  or worried or secure in their sex lives. And yes… it is often fun, because sex SHOULD be fun and enjoyable. So, let’s throw those other “ohs” out the window! Let’s focus on “ohs” I like to hear… because in this business, we’re definitely about the o’s…

Tips for creating a porn-worthy sex life!

Let’s face it… most of us don’t have porn-quality bodies or sex lives. We need to lose weight and don’t get enough sleep. We’ve got kids or family obligations to take care of. We get sick or just don’t feel our best. We’re busy people with busy lives. We don’t always have time in the day for sex, much less high quality sex. Sometimes, it’s a quickie or nothing at all! Plus, we get bored or stuck in a rut in the bedroom. And honestly, sometimes sex becomes a chore…

But, it doesn’t have to be that way! In fact, it doesn’t take much to make your sex life more exciting. A little extra effort can pay off in big ways. Want to have more porn-worthy sex? You can spice it up a little at a time with these tips:

1. Make intimacy a high priority!
Porn stars have sex at the drop of a hat. And while you might not be able to, seize any opportunity you may have. Make time for sex and don’t let it become a chore. Can’t regularly get it on for any number of reasons? Then at least schedule some intimate time with your partner during the week, even if just to cuddle and make-out. The closer you are physically, the more likely you are to be interested in sex.

2. Show enthusiasm!
Porn stars are noisy. Why? It’s a turn-on for both of you AND ego-boost for the one doing the pleasing. Plus, by letting your partner know you are pleased, you will make them want to please you even more. Moan and move! Get into it! Don’t just lay there quietly like a corpse… Let them know you are enjoying yourself!

3. Speak up!
Porn stars are bossy. Maybe you noticed that they order their lovers around. Touch me here. Do me there. Spank me. Lick me. Harder. Faster. Softer… Do the same in your own sex life! Tell your partner EXACTLY what you want, and how you want them to do it! This is especially important if you don’t like something they’re doing. If you don’t speak up, they’re going to keep making the same mistake… and that’s no fun at all!

4. Set the scene!
Porn stars don’t just have sex in the bedroom. They have sex everywhere – by the pool, in offices, during slumber parties for crying out loud! Create your own fantasy scene at home by having sex somewhere else in the house, like the kitchen or your home office. Need to keep things confined to the bedroom? Then, buy those satin sheets! Dim those lights! Light those candles! Line up those toys! Make your bedroom your fantasy love-making spot.

5. Role play!
Porn stars rarely play themselves. They’re always acting out a scenario – coed and professor, plumber and housewife, masseuse and customer. Think about it… Isn’t it always some situation where complete strangers suddenly get it on? So get into character! Pretend you are the special delivery boy or that she is the naughty nurse! Pretending to be someone else can lower your inhibitions and make sex more exciting. Plus, it’s like getting to have sex with someone new!

6. Use enhancements!
Male porn stars can go all night and repeatedly get it up. Female porn stars orgasm just after a few pokes. We, the average masses, are not like this at all! So what can you do to make things more porn-like? No need to fake it or feel like you don’t measure up… Guys, you can try enhancement supplements or creams. These enhancements can create more hardness and girth, help delay ejaculations, and can even help you get it up repeatedly! We even carry sleeves to help you with length. And, we carry plenty of toys to help fulfill her double penetration fantasies… Girls, don’t be ashamed to use a toy to help you orgasm. We also carry enhancement supplements and creams for you. They’ll help make your lady parts more sensitive to touch and stimulation, making it easier for you to orgasm.

Whether you try one or all of our suggestions, sex should be something you enjoy. Don’t see something you like in our tips above? Try one of your own ideas! Keeping your sex life fresh and exciting with your partner is the main priority. Got a suggestion for us? Send us an email and maybe we’ll feature it on our blog!

Solo Time: Tips for pleasing yourself

Whether you’re single, or just need a little alone time without your partner, masturbation is a good way to release some sexual energy. Aside from being fun, masturbation has also be proven to be good for you! And, it’s never a crime to be good to yourself… Masturbation can boost your immunity, relieve stress, help with sexual function, and may even reduce risks of cancer. So in honor of self-pleasure, here are tips to make your solo time very satisfying!

FOR HIM:

Try a masturbator… It’s not be the real thing. But, mastubators are still fun, snug, and feel great! And, you get to have faux oral, vaginal, or anal sex with any number of porn stars. We even carry fantasy styles, if you’re feeling particularly freaky!! Check out our selection here.

Use a warming lube in your hands or with a masturbator for a more lifelike, enhanced feel… The warm sensation adds to the realism and feels great on your penis. Check out our selection here.

Try watching a POV porn… Shot at a realistic angle for a fantasy feel, these pornos make you feel like you are part of the action. Pair the POV porn with a masturbator to match the action and you’re set!

Use nipple clamps… Your nipples are full of erogenous nerves. Stimulating them feels great. Plus, the extra pinch will intensify your climax! Check out our selection here.

Try an anal plug… Stimulating and applying pressure to the prostate with an anal plug can provide INTENSE orgasms for men. Check out our selection here.

Squeeze your balls… That’s right. Gently (or firmly) squeeze and tug down on your own balls right before you climax. This will also create a much more energetic and intense climax.

FOR HER:

Get to know your clitoris… 80% of women need some clitoral stimulation to achieve an orgasm. The best way to master the clitoral orgasm is to be hands-on! Using a good lube and your fingers, stroke your clitoris with the speed and pressure that feels right for you. Don’t want to use your hands? Try stroking a vibrating toy against your clitoris for maximum please. Check out our selection here.

Get to know your g-spot… applying pressure to the g-spot will create a much more pleasurable experience and can intensify your orgasm. Try using a vibrator that is specially designed to rub against the g-spot. Check out our selection here.

Use a quality lube… Lube on your clitoris, as well as a toy, will create a more sensual experience. Try a warming or cooling lube for even more heightened sensations. Check out our selection here.

Get in the mood… Try reading some of our erotica, or watching a little porn, to get you turned on. Either will enhance your mood and will help you to create a fantasy you can pleasure yourself to. Check out our erotica here.

Give anal a try… An anal toy or plug puts pressure on the vaginal wall and will greatly intensify your orgasm. Not to mention, the anus is packed full of erogenous nerves endings! Check out our anal toys here.

Hit the water… the warm sensation of a bath or shower goes a long way in relaxing your body. A relaxed body will make it easier to achieve orgasm and can make your climax stronger… and it also feels sensuous to have the water against your skin. Want to use a toy in the bath? Try one of our completely water-proof vibes such as the We-Vibe 3 or the Form 2 by Jimmy Jane.

Anal 101: A Beginner’s Guide

I’ll be honest… I like anal sex. I’ve had some of my strongest orgasms during anal sex. I also find there is a certain amount of trust and surrender I experience during anal sex, which is a wild turn-on for me. And, Mr. Big (my lover) likes anal sex, too. It’s pretty hot sex, not to mention a REALLY tight spot for him to put his penis. And what man doesn’t like tight?? But, HE also likes anal stimulation. Press his prostate and he’s putty in my hands.

But for most people, anal sex is such a taboo subject… something that is only done in porn or by gay men. Let’s face it… Most women fear it or find it to be too “dirty”. Most straight men have a fascination with it, but would never dream of stimulating that area on their own bodies. But, the truth be told, it can be very pleasurable for both men and women. It’s because the area is actually one of the most sensitive erogenous zones on your body! Here’s why…

FOR MEN:
*The prostate, located just at the front of the rectum, is essentially the male G-spot.
*This chestnut-sized gland is situated about two inches inside and can be found by slowly inserting a finger and pressing towards the penis.
*Stimulating it or applying pressure with a finger, tongue, or anal plug can provide INTENSE orgasms for men.

FOR WOMEN:
*The rectum is home to tons of nerve endings. Because of this, anal stimulation or sex can produce INTENSE orgasms for women, too!
*This is because anal intercourse, or using a plug, will put firm pressure to the g-spot.
*Also, using an anal plug tightens the vaginal wall, which will create more pleasure for you both!

Want to give it a try? Here are some tips for how to open the backdoor… (wink, wink)

Communicate – Communication is key before and during anal sex or stimulation. Talk to your partner about what you’d like to try, or what fears you may have. During your experimentation, let your partner know how things are going by telling them what you’d like more or less of, and if anything hurts.

Plan – Set aside some quality time to shop for toys and lubrication. Then, make sure you have plenty of time to experiment. Being relaxed is key!! So, make time to massage each other, cuddle, or make out. During your experimentation, GO SLOW. Rushing this is not going to work. Be patient with yourself and with your partner. Remember, this type of penetration requires more trust than traditional sex does. Plowing along full speed ahead can ruin the whole experience and cause your partner pain.

Prepare – Get to know your body and when you’re most “empty”. That can go a long way in keeping things clean. Your rectum is usually empty unless you really need to go. But, if you want to be 100% sure, a mild enema will make certain things are clean.

Lubricate – Your anus does not produce any natural lubrication. So, using a water-based, high quality lube will make things a lot easier. It will reduce friction and make any kind of anal penetration more comfortable. I suggest using System Jo’s H20 anal formula. If you are just really nervous about the pain, try using a desensitizing lubricant such as Liquid Sex’s anal formula. The numbing agent will take the edge off. But, it’s especially important to go slow and gentle with a numbing lube, as you won’t be able to feel if something is not working right.

Start Small – Not ready to jump straight into anal sex? Start with a small plug or vibrating toy, and then work your way up. Even a small toy can make a big impact in heightening your climax. Need ideas? Check out our anal toys online or visit us in-store for more selection!

At the end of the day, if anal stimulation and/or sex are not your thing, no big deal. It’s not for everyone. Sex should be about mutual pleasure. So, there is never any reason to do something you don’t like when your in the bedroom. But if you are the least bit intrigued, it’s worth giving it a try. Who knows? You make like it, and it could open up an entirely new dimension in your sex life. And as always, we at the RedDoor are happy to help you take it to the next level… 😉

Do’s & Don’ts for Hotel Sex

It’s Summer, and that means travel. And if you’re like me, travel means lots and lots of hotel sex. So, here are my do’s and don’ts for hotel sex…

DO bring extra batteries for your toys. It may not be convenient to run out and grab some AAA’s when you need them.

DO bring one of our water-proof lubes. There’s the potential for sex in a pool or hot-tub. And, well, there is unlimited hot water in a hotel shower.

DO invest in a Fascinator Throe by Liberator. Hotel bedding can be sketchy. Think of all the fine folks who’ve had sex there before YOU. These plush throws are specially lined to slurp up love juices, lubes, lotions and all the leftovers of sexual play.

DO role-play. You’re in neutral and unfamiliar territory. Take on the role of call girl. Or, meet as strangers at the bar.

DO stay hydrated, or pack a quality lube from System JO. Vigorous activity can leave you dehydrated and make lubrication an issue. Plus, proper hydration prevents muscle cramping, which could ruin that new position you’ve wanted to try.

DO plan to try new things. New surroundings can make everything more exciting. Agree on a few things you’d like to try before you check in. Then, hang up the “do no disturb” sign.

DO bring a sexy playlist for the trip. Playing a little music can go a long way in masking the soundtrack you’ll be creating. This is especially helpful when thin walls abound, when you’re bunking near friends and family.

DON’T run out of towels. You’re bound to need more than your usual share for clean-up and all those long hot showers you may take.

DON’T forget to hang up the “do no disturb” sign. In the heat of the moment, you might not hear the knock-knock-knock of the cleaning staff.

DON’T eat anywhere off the beaten path. Stick to foods and restaurants you know. A little food poisoning can go a long way in ruining your hot and sexy vacation escapades.

DON’T forget your lingerie and toys in the room. The hotel staff will throw them away once you’re gone.

DON’T be stingy with the tip you leave the cleaning staff. They’re used to sketchiness when cleaning rooms. But, a little extra “thank you” would be the right thing to do. I mean, they are cleaning up all those used towels and dirty sheets. And who knows what they may have found under the bed!

You work WHERE?!

When I resigned from my successful career a few years ago due to personal reasons, I never expected to find myself working for a sex shop. You see, I’m in my late 30’s, a professional, a mother, someone with 2 advanced degrees, a monogamous lover… How does someone like me end up working in the “sex industry”?

It’s any easy answer, really. I love sex, everything about it. I love the feeling, the release, the skin-to-skin contact, the adventure, the tease, the flirtation, the spontaneity… everything! My friends know this about me. So, when a friend happened randomly upon a job-listing, she called me and insisted I was perfect for the job… at a sex shop.

At first, I was skeptical. Yes, I’ve tried just about everything in the bedroom. Yes, I am comfortable with my sexuality, and even more comfortable with expressing it. I don’t have any problems talking about sex. But, a sex shop? I wasn’t so sure. Yet, I needed a flexible, part-time job. I wanted something fun and stress-free, just to earn some pocket-change until I figured out what next to do with my life. This fit the bill and I decided to at least give it a shot.

It’s been three years now, and I don’t regret it one bit! At some point in my three years, I left the sales floor for a behind-the-scenes role. Some days, I miss my co-workers and customers. They are some of the most open, honest, and real individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. Sexual preferences and interests are a study in human-nature and personalities. You learn a lot about people when working in such an intimate environment. And, I learned so much about myself, as a woman and as a person. But, it’s honestly been the most fun job I’ve ever had.

So, yes… I work for a sex-shop. It’s not sleazy… at least not at the RedDoor. It’s real, honest work. It’s liberating, enlightening work. It’s humbling, enriching work. It’s fun, exciting work. It fits me, even though I never thought it would…