Lessons From A Breakup!

Back in October, I wrote a piece entitled “Sexy Ways to Survive Your Break-up!” At the time, I was the one doing the breaking up. So, I felt confident and sexy and ready to be single. It felt natural to have fun and be free. I mean, I was out of a bad relationship and wanted to be happy! But for this blog, things are different. I was the one dumped. Yes, dumped. It’s such an awful word. It implies that something was wrong with me and that I had to be gotten rid of. But, the truth is, sometimes things just don’t work out for one reason or another…

Let me give a little background info. I began dating someone around the end of March. We’ll call him “Kevin”. Kevin seemed like a very nice guy. He was a gentleman, appreciated my curves, and was not intimidated by my openness and sexuality (at least not that I know of). Things seemed to be going well. We enjoyed each other’s company and the sex was decent enough, though lackluster. Everything was ok in my mind. Then out of the blue, Kevin stopped communicating with me. I texted him out of concern and got a text in return explaining that I was being dumped. Yep, a text. No explanation for the change in behavior. No explanation as to what happened. Needless to say, I was a LOT surprised.

So here I am, feeling a bit bruised and confused. I’m wondering what it is I can do to make things better. I’m also wondering what lessons I can take away from the situation. So, I re-read my original blog  “Sexy Ways to Survive Your Break-up!” I wanted to see if there is a different take now that I am the one who is on the shit end of this stick. And, this particular tip really stood out to me:

5. Learn from it.

Learning from your mistakes is sexy. Why? Because knowing your needs and wants makes you a more confident person, and therefore a sexier person. Next time, you’ll know more about what you do and don’t want/need. You’ll look for someone who is interested in fulfilling your desires, as much as they are interested in having theirs fulfilled. You won’t settle for less. That knowledge confidence, and power is all extremely sexy!

WOW! I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but… that is pretty powerful advice. It’s really smart advice! And we’ve all heard that the sexiest organ in our bodies is our BRAINS. So, I wanted to expand on that kind of sexiness and give my readers some smart lessons I learned from my break-up. Any time you think smart and act smart, you’ll definitely feel confident and sexy!

1. Listen to your gut next time…

Throughout the whole relationship with Kevin, I felt in my gut that something was off. I didn’t quite get the feeling he was 100% into me. I didn’t quite get the feeling he was ONLY seeing me. Even though he said he was monogamous with me, I really don’t think I was the only woman he was involved with. Trust me… there were red flags that pointed to this. I just ignored them. So, one of my smart tips is to go into a relationship with eyes wide open. Don’t let sex and romance cloud your judgment. Pay attention to red flags. And if your instincts are telling you something is wrong, go with your gut and trust your inner alarm bells!! You’ll feel a LOT sexier after a break-up if you don’t feel foolish and used.

2. Don’t settle for less than you want and need…

I was in a long-term relationship before I met Kevin. The guy I was with was very compatible with me in terms of interests, hobbies, and sex. We had an adventurous sex life and I was never bored. In short, we always had fun with each other. But, he lacked a level of affection and emotional depth that left me feeling more like a friend with benefits, and less like a girlfriend or partner in life. Kevin, however, was extremely affectionate and present. He communicated with me every day, did things for me around the house, and always paid for everything. However, we had ZERO in common and the sex was only s0-s0.. To put it simply, he was not that much fun to be around. We seriously lacked that friendship component that I feel is essential for a successful relationship. While I understand you’re not going to find everything you want in one person, you still shouldn’t settle! Having your needs and wants met is sexy. Having the confidence and security to hold out for someone who can meet most of your needs and wants is sexy. Being in a relationship where you feel fulfilled will certainly make you feel sexy, too!

3. Respect yourself and be a bar of gold…

I love, love, love sex! I’m almost 40 and I want it all.the.time. Masturbation is ok. But, it just doesn’t get the job done for me. It leaves me wanting more, more, more than some batteries can provide. So, I tend to jump quickly into sex with a new romantic interest. I mean, the sex wasn’t that great. It was vanilla and predictable, and I often didn’t get to finish before he did. But if you’re horny like me, even mediocre sex is better than masturbation. That certainly made it harder to see red flags. I feel like I let the regular sex cloud my judgment. I let my sexual needs keep me from seeing I was being misled… by Kevin AND by myself! I used to be ok with casual sex and friends with benefits arrangement. Yet, this time I felt used. It’s a gross feeling…  Despite this, I have begun to feel something pretty incredible about myself… I am a bar of gold. My body is a treasure. I shouldn’t just give it away so quickly and easily. If you are ok with casual sex, go for it. But for me, recognizing my worth is much, much sexier!

I know this a departure from my typical blogs. But, I am on a journey… a sexy journey. And, this was a stop along the way… I’ll resume my normally scheduled freak-tastic blogs shortly! 🙂

For more tips on how to feel sexy, check out my blog “Bringing your sexy back!”

And with that…

Dating and Married Men

Before you immediately get yourself in a big huff, this post is NOT about dating married men! So simmer down and relax! No, no… this post is about my experience as a single woman, and the myriad of married men who contact me on dating websites. It’s my thoughts about why this happens. And, it’s hopefully a eye-opener for both the married men on the sites, and the women who are married to them!

I’ve been single for about 7 months. During that time, I have been on just about every popular dating website – Match, POF, OkCupid, etc. And while on these sites, I cannot count the number of times a married man has messaged me. I’d estimate it at about 2 a week. Mind you, these are the ones who were honest about the fact that they were married. Who knows how many are out there that are lying about their relationship status.

After about the 5th message from a married man, I set aside my dismay and anger, and began to wonder… Why are they on here? Why are they messaging me? Why do they want to cheat on their wives? So, being a curious person, I asked. Yes, I asked. And surprisingly enough, many of them answered in very candid ways.

What did I find out? The most common responses were something along these lines:

“My wife doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore.”
“My wife and I do have sex, but it’s very boring and I need a change.”

Overall, they all expressed their love for their wives. They all said they were otherwise happy and wanted to stay married. But, the common denominator was a lack of satisfaction in their sex lives.

This saddens me. I believe that a fulfilling sex life with your partner is one of the key ingredients to a long-lasting and happy relationship. And, you can’t have a successful love-life without communication. But, it’s one of the last things we as couples feel comfortable discussing. Much of this has to do with societal norms, upbringing, etc. But, it’s something we need to address and change. You should be able to talk about sex with your partner!

And here is my response to the married men who are seeking sex outside of their relationships…

TALK TO YOUR WIVES! Go to her first. Talk to her. Tell her your needs and desires. If you are otherwise happy, you should be able to talk to her about such intimate matters. Maybe she would be willing to try some of the things you want to try. You never know unless you ask. Give her the chance to hear you out!

Furthermore, ask yourself a question – are you being reasonable? Maybe the things you are interested in are not reasonable requests for a happily married couple to experience. If you are basing your desires on porn, realize that those are actors and not everyone does those things. And the threesome you’ve always wanted? That doesn’t happen often and isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.

Finally, are you being sensitive? Perhaps she doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore because you are not being sensitive to HER needs. Women need affection and support in order to feel turned-on by their partner. Maybe she resents how little you help out, or how little time you spend with her. Or, could it be that you are not taking the time to make sure she is satisfied? Women need a lot more time, dedication, and stimulation to achieve orgasm. If you are taking care of your needs, and your needs only, I don’t blame her for giving up on sex!

And here is my response to WOMEN of married men who are seeking sex outside of their relationships…

TALK TO YOUR HUSBANDS! Go to him. Talk to him. Tell him your needs and desires. Tell him what you need in order to feel sexy and desired. Tell him what you need to make sex feel better for you. Tell him what you need in order to create time and energy for sex. Give him a chance to learn and change his ways. He’s not a mind-read and he needs you to TELL HIM what you want out of sex!

Or, have you given up on sex? How about on being sexy? I know you work hard, and take care of the kids, and have groceries to get. But, keep in mind that most men are very sexual creatures. Your relationship with him, and the sex he craves, should come before all of those other things in life. I am not saying devote all your time and attention to him. I am saying find a balance. Cut out one activity or obligation a week, and make time for sex!

Finally, don’t be afraid to spice things up. Just because he wants to try a strap-on, or anal, or watching a porn together does NOT mean he is not happy with you. It means that he needs a little something extra and wants to try it with YOU! Be open to the possibilities within your comfort zone. Don’t immediately shut him down. You never know…  you might awaken things within yourself you never thought were possible. You might experience a greater intimacy and satisfaction with your husband.

If it’s something you are willing to work on together, you could connect ways you thought were long gone. A marriage is such an important relationship, and sex should not be the reason why it falls apart. This is especially true in this day and age. Using adult toys, and talking about sex in the media, are much more accepted. There are all sorts of toys and accessories designed especially with couples in mind. And, the options for improving your sex life in the adult toy world are abundant! There’s honestly no reason for a man to look outside of his relationship for sex… nor for a woman to be unsatisfied with sex!

Need ideas… Here are couples toys that could change your sex life:

We Vibe 4 – The world’s no. 1 couples vibrator, completely redesigned for better fit, heightened intensity and more control. She wears it during sex for extra stimulation to her clitoris and G-spot. Together you both share the vibe.

Hump, Bump & Vibe – This discrete cushion elevates the hips for ultimate penetration and g-spot stimulation. Plus, the included bullet makes for extra pleasure by stimulating the clitoris.

OVO B7 Vibrating Cock Ring – The German Designed B7 Pleasure Ring from OVO is rounded for comfortable use and features a dynamic and modern shape. The B7 is showerproof, whisper quiet and constructed of lead-free, phthalate-free, 100% body-safe silicone material. The ring will give him a longer, stronger erection, while the vibe is designed to stroke her clitoris for maximum pleasure.

Luna Beads Mini – Luna Beads are the world’s bestselling Kegel weights system. They ensure that every woman can find her perfect fit for the most effective pelvic floor workout. LELO’s elegant update on the classic ben wa balls offers users longer, stronger, more attainable orgasms; reduced risk of incontinence and other pelvic floor disorders; and a faster return to tone and tightness after giving birth.

Encounter Clitoral/G-spot Lube – New Encounter Female Lubricants are a unique line of specially formulated lubricants to meet the needs and desires of the female body. Amazing Encounter. Using paraben free ingredients and non glycerin based formulations, Encounter Female Lubricants offer women a range of personal care products specifically designed to enhance pleasure with comfort and ease.

Anal Ese – This desensitizing lubricant makes anal penetration more comfortable and pleasurable.

Liquid V – The power of the V has arrived!! Liquid V is the strongest female stimulating product on the market today. It is formulated to help increase stimulation and blood flow to the clitoris and amplify the strength of female climax while producing a warm tingling sensation that women love.

Max Size Cream – A great complement to MaxSize tablets, MaxSize Cream is the only topical erectile enhancement that delivers immediate results. Applied generously MaxSize Cream engorges the penis giving men a firm long lasting erection. With a cooling, heated tingly sensation your partner will love it too. Lightly flavored with mint making it edible.