BDSM 101: Kinky Basics for Everyone

Maybe you already know what BDSM is, and going a little further intrigues you. Perhaps you’ve dabbled with spanking your partner. Or, maybe you’ve tied each other up with scarves. But now, you want to try more BDSM fun in the bedroom.

Or, maybe you’ve never heard of BDSM. Perhaps, you’re intimidated by the idea. Or, maybe you just don’t know how to get started, but would be interested in trying something like this in the bedroom.

Well, this is your primer for BDSM. I’m going to give you some basic ideas to get your kinky juices flowing!

First of all, let’s define BDSM:

B = bondage – using restraints as part of an intimate relationship

D = domination – a dominant partner controlling and/or punishing a submissive partner

S & M = sadism and masochism – giving (s) and receiving (m) pleasure from pain

Getting started… When getting started with any BDSM activity, talk to your partner FIRST! Discuss what you would like to try and come up with a game plan. It’s important to set up boundaries before you ever venture down this road. Why? It’s because many BDSM activities require a high level of trust between partners. So, talk, talk, talk about what you will and won’t do! Then, decide on a safe word, or code word, to use with your partner when you want things to stop. Remember, it’s ok to stop and regroup. You should never feel like you can’t trust your partner!

Now, let’s break everything down. I’m going to give you some basic ideas according to where they fall in the BDSM spectrum. Some of them might not be your thing, and that’s ok! The idea is to spice things up within YOUR comfort zone.

Bondage – There are so many easy ways to incorporate bondage into your sex life!

• Grab a leash and walk your partner around the bedroom
• Use furry handcuffs or silk rope to restrict your partner’s use of their hands, or to lock them to a bedpost or chair
• Try a ball gag to muffle your partner’s pleas for mercy or cries of ecstasy
• Use a spreader bar to restrict the use of your partner’s legs
• Go all the way and use hog ties or wrist and leg cuffs to completely restrict your partner’s movements

Domination – This is all about one person being in charge, with the other relinquishing control.

• Pretend your partner is your love slave and have them work to earn their freedom by doing anything you say
• Control your partner by repeatedly stimulating them, but not allowing them to have an orgasm
• Role play having one of you be the servant (think French maid, pool boy, love robot, etc.)
• Try a remote controlled panty vibe where you or your partner is in charge of the amount of stimulation received
• Use a blindfold and do not allow your partner to see what you’re about to do next

S&M – This is all about giving and/or receiving pain. But, it doesn’t mean you have to hurt each other. Start on the softer side with any of these suggestions and work your way up to more intensity!

• Try using nipple clamps for an exciting pinch
• Pick up a paddle, riding crop, or leather flogger, then lightly smack each other on sensitive areas
• Drip hot wax onto each other’s backsides
• Try an electro-stimulation kit on sensitive areas with the dial set to low
• Use your teeth to gently bite sensitive areas

Want to try some of the ideas above? Check out our BDSM selection online. You’ll find many items to help you get started.

Want to try some harder stuff? Do your research! Talk to your partner about your desires AND boundaries. And, the visit one of our 3 Charlotte are stores. We have a much larger, and kinkier, selection of BDSM items in-store.

 

Oral Sex 101: Tips for Great Oral!

Oral sex… *Sigh*

If you’re anything like me, you’ve had a man boast that he is awesome at going down. He raves about the compliments he’s received in the past. But, when he starts pleasuring you, it either feels like a beaver gnawing on your privates or like a Dyson has locked on to your clit! Or for you guys, there’s the girl who boasts of her skills in sucking dick. But when she’s down there, she barely moves her lips and throat around your shaft, and mostly uses her hands. Or, she really sucks… like s Dyson has locked on to your dick!

I know that everyone likes something different when it comes to getting off. Maybe you like the above oral sex techniques. I’m not judging… But, listen up all you Dyson-mouthed folks! When done with some skill and attention, oral sex can be a much more amazing experience than the ones I’ve had above! So, here are my tips on how to give great oral sex…

These tips are for everyone:

1. Start fresh! A shower can go a long way in making oral much more pleasant for the giver! And if you’re receiving the oral, being clean will make you more comfortable and at ease.

2. Communicate! Tell your partner up front what you like and don’t like. During the oral, give encouragement or softly spoken suggestions. Moaning and groaning works, too!

3. Reciprocate! Reciprocate! Reciprocate! If you don’t like to give, it really discourages your partner from wanting to give. So, do unto to others as you would have done to you!

 

If you’re going down on her:

1. Slow down! It’s not a race! Warp speed tongue action does nothing but frustrate the average women. And most likely, a steady build will create a much more intense orgasm for her.

2. Don’t munch the rug! Teeth are ok… but that means a little nibble here or there. Repetitive gnawing is not really a pleasurable feeling for most women.

3. Yes, sucking on my clit is a pleasurable feeling… when done lightly! Don’t go all Dyson on me!

4. Don’t like to go down because of the “taste”? Well that’s not fair. Consider using a flavored lube and get to licking! Not only will it taste good to you, it actually enhances the feeling for me.

5. Apply a little pressure. Light licks will tease me. Mixing in firmer licks will get me there.

 

If you’re going down on him:

1. Take him deeply into your mouth and stroke up and down, allowing him to feel the back of your throat. I know this seems basic. But, many of us who give blow-jobs end up focusing solely on the head of the penis. That can be too intense or frustrating for a man. Think of your mouth as a vagina. How would a man use his penis in vagina? Would he just poke the tip in repeatedly? NO! He goes all in and then almost all out. Do the same with your mouth!

2. Don’t be a Dyson. Lightly sucking, yes. Creating an oral vortex, no. Sucking dick doesn’t mean literally turning your mouth into a vacuum.

3. Try a little flavored lube. If you’re like me, sometimes your mouth gets dry. A dry mouth is no fun for anyone. Using lube will keep the moisture up and the friction down.

4. Some guys like a little teeth. Gently graze the back side of his shaft with your teeth. But, don’t go all cheese grater on him!

5. Use your tongue. Running the tongue along the back of his shaft and the head of his penis adds that extra wow factor. Also, using your tongue to gently apply pressure as you move up and down can create a tighter feel for him.

 

Read these tips! Study them! Master them! Don’t be that person who boasts of your skills, but disappoints in the bedroom. Don’t be the beaver gnawing away or the Dyson set to VORTEX. Just don’t. 🙂

 

Sexual Fantasies and XXX Daydreaming

So, I am 100% pro-fantasy. In fact, if you could read my mind, you’d see I fantasize a LOT! Sometimes, it’s like there’s a XXX movie playing in my head. I’m a creative person. Maybe that’s why I’m constantly coming up with scenarios for my sex life. It frustrates Mr. Big, my partner. I’ve heard him say on more than one occasion, “It’s like the Rolling Stones, honey… we can’t play all our greatest hits in one night!!!” Bless his heart. I think I exhaust him…

I know not all of my fantasies can or will come true. But, it never hurts to dream… right?

Like for instance, I was in training the other day and this cute, butch woman was leading the training. What did I do? I spent part of the class fantasizing about pussy grinding… PUSSY GRINDING. What did I take away from the class? That I want to pussy grind as soon as possible. I want to find a hot woman, get naked, and rub against her. Yep.

Or, the other night, Mr. Big was talking about watching the series OZ, a prison drama that HBO produced a decade ago. What did I do? I started fantasizing about some big, buff prison thug making my lover his bitch. In this fantasy, I am the prison warden, watching it all play out, waiting for my turn with the billy club…. Mr. Big was not entirely thrilled with my fantasy, but he was amused.

What’s wrong with these little mini-pornos running through my mind from time to time? Well, other than not having enough time, energy or partner, there’s nothing wrong with a little fantasizing!

Everyone has sexual fantasies, from the mundane to the down right freak-a-licious! Think about it… Most of you have had fantasies about having sex in a public place like a bathroom or the hood of a car. Lots of you have had fantasies of threesomes or watching your partner have sex with someone else. A lot of women fantasize about girl-on-girl. We’re human. We daydream. And, fantasies are healthy. They can increase your arousal during sex. Plus, fantasies allow you to do things you would not do in real life, and the outcome is always positive. It’s a win-win!

So, you don’t want to keep daydreaming like me? Then you may be asking yourself, “how do I make my fantasies come true?” I can’t tell you a step-by-step for every fantasy you may have. There’s honestly not enough blog space for just MY fantasies. And, keep in mind that I am not a licensed couple’s counselor, nor a sex therapist. But, I can help you open up the dialogue with your partner. Here’s my advice:

Test the waters – Start by showing your partner a porn with a scenario you’d like to act out. Then, ask them what they think of that scenario. Your partner should be pretty honest with you about it under those circumstances, and you’ll be able to gauge whether revealing more is a possibility. You could also present your fantasy as a wild dream you had and see how your partner reacts. Or, ask them to visit a sex shop with you and see what they gravitate towards.

Ease it into conversation SLOWLY – I think it’s best to start small. In my opinion, you should never go for a full reveal if you don’t think your partner is that adventurous. In other words, if you want to reveal your ideas, don’t do it all at once. You may intimidate, scare, or alienate your partner by rushing things. If you think your partner is open to a threesome, ask them what would turn them on about the fantasy. Getting them to open up to you will make it easier for you to discuss your ideas.

The theme here is communication! You honestly will never know unless you ask. Once you begin having these conversation with your partner, you open the door to a greater level of sexual creativity between the two of you!

Say WHAT? 10 Strange Sex Laws You Won’t Believe!

I’m sure I’ve broken a few laws during sex – laws of nature, laws of physics, laws of thermodynamics… Hell, this girl can get really freaky when she feels like it. But, there are some pretty crazy laws in various states that could actually land you in jail! I’m pretty sure I’ve never broken any of THESE laws… Maybe you have?

CALIFORNIA – Anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom… Well, best to play it safe with SATAN! You don’t know who or WHAT he’s been having sex with down there in Hell…

FLORIDA – Sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal… Uhm, ok. Wouldn’t that hurt? And besides, there are other kinds of pricks in this world!

GEORGIA – It is illegal to purchase or possess marital aides (vibrators, dildos, etc.)… OOPS! We’d be in trouble! Major, major trouble. I guess there are some things I am willing to go to jail for…

ILLINOIS – Nuzzling or kissing a reptile is prohibited… Well, stay away from the players at the bar because they tend to be total snakes…

PENNSYLVANIA – It is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth… I just wonder if you have to pay for that in exact change…

KANSAS – Anyone caught engaging in anal sex draws a maximum sentence of six months in jail… Hmmm… What If you were in jail when you got caught?

VIRGINIA – It is illegal to copulate in any position except missionary or have sex with the lights on… Oooh! Be a rebel and have sex doggy style in the dark, because that’s so sick and twisted *eyeroll*…

WEST VIRGINIA – It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs… UHM, say WHAT?! As if a smaller animal makes it any better…

ARKANSAS – Moose are not allowed to have sex on city streets… Well, you’re damn skippy they shouldn’t! Who wants to see that?

RHODE ISLAND – Oral sex is considered “abominable, detestable crime against nature,” and such activity brings a 7-to-10-year stretch in the penitentiary… Shit. Sometimes when I am down there, it FEELS like a 7-to-10-year stretch…

 

So, if  you feel like breaking any laws, you BETTER make it worth it! Hit up the RedDoor before you commit the crime and go down with a blaze of sexy glory!

The Business of Ohs

When people find out what I do for a living, they have two reactions: “OH, er, uhm…” or “Ohhhh! That sounds like a fun job”. And to be honest, my job is FULL of oh’s… So their reaction is fitting. But, you may wonder what it’s actually like to work in a sex shop. I bet that based on those two reactions, you have the wrong idea.

Let’s address the first kind of “OH”. That’s the reaction I get from folks who are sketched out by sex… the ones who are scared to talk about it out loud. That’s the response I get from people too embarrassed to actually shop in person at a sex store. And therein lies the misconception that produces that kind of “OH”, the wide-eyes and awkward moment, dropped like a lead balloon on my feet kind of “OH”. It’s ok to be private about your sex life. I’m not saying that you should be wildly open about it. But sex itself, or working in a sex shop, should in fact NOT be embarrassing or awkward. They shouldn’t be because sex is a natural thing. It’s a wonderful thing when shared between two people who care about each other. And even if they don’t care about each other, it can still be a tremendously fun activity. Finding ways to please yourself and/or your partner should not be a bad thing. Helping you discover those ways is part of my job. It actually makes me feel good to help you feel good. I find it fulfilling. So do my coworkers.

And what about that second kind of “Ohhhhh”? Well, yes, it is a fun job. But, it’s not ALL fun and games. I take it seriously. Many people come in because they don’t know how to achieve pleasure. They are unhappy in their sex lives and really want help. That’s no fun for them at all. Those kinds of situations require more tact and sensitivity than fun… Or they come in because they have erectile dysfunction… Or they’ve had a female or male related cancer and are experiencing issues with sexual intercourse. Those are delicate situations that I don’t handle with fun. I handle them with compassion and care. The bottom line is that you encounter so many types of people, with a huge variety of desires, needs, and wants. You can’t always assume that it’s all fun and games.

It’s a very HUMAN job, where people are open about their most basic needs, wants, and desires. We’re dealing with such a private aspect of our customers’ lives. We want everyone to feel comfortable in our store – whether they are in happy or unhappy, open or closed,  or worried or secure in their sex lives. And yes… it is often fun, because sex SHOULD be fun and enjoyable. So, let’s throw those other “ohs” out the window! Let’s focus on “ohs” I like to hear… because in this business, we’re definitely about the o’s…

Tips for creating a porn-worthy sex life!

Let’s face it… most of us don’t have porn-quality bodies or sex lives. We need to lose weight and don’t get enough sleep. We’ve got kids or family obligations to take care of. We get sick or just don’t feel our best. We’re busy people with busy lives. We don’t always have time in the day for sex, much less high quality sex. Sometimes, it’s a quickie or nothing at all! Plus, we get bored or stuck in a rut in the bedroom. And honestly, sometimes sex becomes a chore…

But, it doesn’t have to be that way! In fact, it doesn’t take much to make your sex life more exciting. A little extra effort can pay off in big ways. Want to have more porn-worthy sex? You can spice it up a little at a time with these tips:

1. Make intimacy a high priority!
Porn stars have sex at the drop of a hat. And while you might not be able to, seize any opportunity you may have. Make time for sex and don’t let it become a chore. Can’t regularly get it on for any number of reasons? Then at least schedule some intimate time with your partner during the week, even if just to cuddle and make-out. The closer you are physically, the more likely you are to be interested in sex.

2. Show enthusiasm!
Porn stars are noisy. Why? It’s a turn-on for both of you AND ego-boost for the one doing the pleasing. Plus, by letting your partner know you are pleased, you will make them want to please you even more. Moan and move! Get into it! Don’t just lay there quietly like a corpse… Let them know you are enjoying yourself!

3. Speak up!
Porn stars are bossy. Maybe you noticed that they order their lovers around. Touch me here. Do me there. Spank me. Lick me. Harder. Faster. Softer… Do the same in your own sex life! Tell your partner EXACTLY what you want, and how you want them to do it! This is especially important if you don’t like something they’re doing. If you don’t speak up, they’re going to keep making the same mistake… and that’s no fun at all!

4. Set the scene!
Porn stars don’t just have sex in the bedroom. They have sex everywhere – by the pool, in offices, during slumber parties for crying out loud! Create your own fantasy scene at home by having sex somewhere else in the house, like the kitchen or your home office. Need to keep things confined to the bedroom? Then, buy those satin sheets! Dim those lights! Light those candles! Line up those toys! Make your bedroom your fantasy love-making spot.

5. Role play!
Porn stars rarely play themselves. They’re always acting out a scenario – coed and professor, plumber and housewife, masseuse and customer. Think about it… Isn’t it always some situation where complete strangers suddenly get it on? So get into character! Pretend you are the special delivery boy or that she is the naughty nurse! Pretending to be someone else can lower your inhibitions and make sex more exciting. Plus, it’s like getting to have sex with someone new!

6. Use enhancements!
Male porn stars can go all night and repeatedly get it up. Female porn stars orgasm just after a few pokes. We, the average masses, are not like this at all! So what can you do to make things more porn-like? No need to fake it or feel like you don’t measure up… Guys, you can try enhancement supplements or creams. These enhancements can create more hardness and girth, help delay ejaculations, and can even help you get it up repeatedly! We even carry sleeves to help you with length. And, we carry plenty of toys to help fulfill her double penetration fantasies… Girls, don’t be ashamed to use a toy to help you orgasm. We also carry enhancement supplements and creams for you. They’ll help make your lady parts more sensitive to touch and stimulation, making it easier for you to orgasm.

Whether you try one or all of our suggestions, sex should be something you enjoy. Don’t see something you like in our tips above? Try one of your own ideas! Keeping your sex life fresh and exciting with your partner is the main priority. Got a suggestion for us? Send us an email and maybe we’ll feature it on our blog!

The Clitoral Truth…

The Clitoral Truth: Facts every woman (and man) should know!

Wow. You don’t know how many people I have encountered who do not know what a clitoris is… OR what to do with it!! It’s SUCH an important part of a woman’s sexual pleasure. And because it’s so important, I’m dedicating a blog to educateing and enlightening you about the clitoris!

FACTS:

• The clitoris is a small bud-like formation that is located slightly above the opening to the vagina.
• Clitoris size and shape differs from woman to woman, but it is generally between 1/8″-3/8″ in size.
• The clitoris is the only human organ designed purely for pleasure, and no other reason.
• The clitoris is equivalent to the penis; it’s packed with nerve endings & becomes engorged when she’s aroused.
• Because the clitoris is like a penis, a woman almost always needs some sort of clitoral stimulation to climax.

VITAL INFO: 75% of women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. Penetration isn’t enough on its own.

TIPS:

• Consider pleasing her FIRST. Since most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, foreplay is a must!
• When pleasuring the clitoris manually or orally, go slowly and use lots of lube. Slow, steady, gentle, repetitive strokes will create a much more intense orgasm.
• For extra sensation, use a clitoral pump or a clitoral stimulating gel to increase blood flow.
• Positions for maximizing clit stimulation are girl on top and rear entry. Both provide access to the clitoris for either manual stimulation or vibrator stimulation. Check out our clitoral vibes here!
• Remember… Every woman is different! Talk to your partner about what makes HER happy and go from there!

Me vs. the We-Vibe 3…

When I first saw the We-Vibe, I’ll admit… I was skeptical. I had friends who SWORE by it, said it changed their sex lives, that it was a miracle for couples. It’s a strange looking toy, not like your average phallic, rabbit-laden styles. It kind of resembles a boomerang. I’ve used a lot of sex toys in my life. I mean, I work for a sex shop. But, this toy confounded me. I held out and wouldn’t believe the hype… until We-Vibe gave me their latest model, the We-Vibe 3. And who can turn down a free sex toy? So, I charged up my We-Vibe 3 and accepted the challenge.

Later that day, my partner stared at me with a confused look on his face. “What is it again? And, you said we do what with it?” You see, the We-Vibe 3 is a couple’s toy. You insert one end in the vagina and the other end sits on your clitoris. The whole thing vibrates. Your partner slides in under the end that’s in your vagina. It results in a tighter fit and vibrating stimulation for both your vagina and clitoris, and also his penis. And, the vaginal end pushes up against your g-spot – a triple whammy for the clit, g-spot, and residing penis. Yay! Now, maybe you are starting to see where my skepticism came from… How does it fit in there? How does that create life-altering sex? Wouldn’t your average bullet do something similar?

Despite our reservations (and maybe a smidge of confusion), my partner and I experimented with the We-Vibe 3. I’ll admit, it was awkward at first. But, once things got going, it heightened everything. My g-spot was being pressed on like it was a magic button of love. My clitoris was so excited it didn’t even know what the hell to do. And, the vibrating against my partner’s penis… well he wasn’t complaining!! So, yeah, yeah, we were convinced.

But, we got to thinking… and you know how dirty minds are once they get to thinking. The We-Vibe 3 happens to have some nifty features. It’s completely submersible under water. It comes with a wireless remote control. And, it’s made of body-safe silicone that grips to your skin. When you take into consideration those three features, it opens up a world of possibilities. Boy did we think up some possibilities! Here’s the top ways we use our We-Vibe 3:

• Wrap it around his balls while giving him head – my partner loves extra attention to the boys. The gripping silicone gently clings to the balls, providing a light squeeze AND vibration. He loves this!
• Use it as a wireless panty vibe – He keeps the remote; I wear the We-Vibe 3 in my panties. With the click of a button, he can tease me anywhere, anytime. We’ve utilized it on many dinner dates… check please!
• Use it as anal toy – if you like a little backdoor stimulation, the We-Vibe 3 is an awesome choice. One end slips in your bottom, while the other end vibrates against your perineum. He’ll love that he can feel the vibration through your vaginal wall.
• Try it on his prostate – My partner likes anal stimulation, as well. The shape of the We-Vibe 3’s head puts the pressure on his prostate, making him act like a crazy man. So, he’ll use it while I am giving him head or during sex.
• Use it for double penetration – This is my favorite way to use the We-Vibe 3. I slip the bigger end inside my vagina and have the other end resting on my clit. Then, my partner and I lube up for anal penetration. The gripping silicone holds the toy in place really well.
• Use it as a solo toy – The We-Vibe 3 is powerful enough to use for masturbation. Why buy a rabbit when the We-Vibe 3 can do double duty as a couple’s toy AND a solo toy?!
• Update on 7/19/13 – This just in… We came up with yet another use! I used the bigger head inside, with the smaller head placed on my perineum. Then, my partner went down on me. It was amazing! Unlike traditional toys, the shape of the WeVibe makes it so the toy is not in the way during oral sex!

So, in the end, I am a believer. It has changed my sex-life! We keep it charged up and ready to go in case we’re ready to go! The We-Vibe 3 wins every time…