adult humor

Old-Fashioned Sex Advice Revisited

Sixty years ago, a woman’s pleasure was a thing to be whispered about. Sex outside of marriage was shameful. Sex toys, or anything other than missionary, were for cheap girls and harlots. We’ve certainly come a long way when it comes to adventurous sex. Porn is mainstream. Adult stores are big business, no longer back alley establishments. And movies like “50 Shades of Grey” have inspired women everyone to try a little BDSM. But should we completely discard old-fashioned beliefs about sex? Let’s take a look…

Old-fashioned Tip #1 – Your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego. Morale is a woman’s business.

This isn’t bad advice. Appreciating and complimenting your man builds up his confidence. And confidence is good for the bedroom. The more you praise his manhood and his efforts, the more he’s going to want to please you.

Old-fashioned Tip #2 – If you are one of those frigid or sexually anesthetic women, don’t be in a hurry to inform your husband about it.  To the man it makes no difference in the pleasurableness of the act whether you are frigid or not, unless he knows that you are frigid.  And he won’t know unless you tell him, and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Uhm, wrong. This one is definitely wrong with a capital “W”. A man knows if you are not enjoying yourself. And, if you are not enjoying himself, chances are it will ruin some part of the act for him. Can he still get off and orgasm even if you’re bored to tears? Yes, probably. But, can it also affect his performance and make it less pleasurable? Definitely. Only a major asshole doesn’t care if you are bored and miserable. So, throw this advice out the window and talk to your partner about what you do and don’t like. If he doesn’t want to listen and please you, ditch him!

Old-fashioned Tip #3 – Underwear should be spotlessly clean goes without saying, but every woman should wear the best quality underwear that she can afford.  And the color should be preferably pink.  And lace and ruffles, I am sorry to say, add to the attractiveness of underwear, and are liked by the average man.

This one has some merit to it. Not all men like lingerie or fancy underwear. But if you want to feel sexy… and you want him to see you as sexy… make sure whatever you’re wearing is in good shape, flattering, and preferably in a color you or he loves. No one is sexy is undies with stains or holes in them. So, I am not talking about always wearing satin and lace. You can still be sexy in cute cotton bras and panties. And the color doesn’t have to be pink. According to my research, men prefer black or white.

Old-fashioned Tip #4 – While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured.

Say what? No. Just no. This is one old-fashioned sex tip I can’t believe exists! Sex should never be revolting or painful. If it is, you’re doing it wrong! Even when you want it to be painful, that should come from a place of pleasure, because you find that enjoyable.

Old-fashioned Tip #5The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.

Problem #1 with this tip… Sex no longer has to be enjoyed under the confines of marriage. Problem #2… If you are married, lessening the frequency of sex is bound to take its toll on your relationship. In fact, married couples should work hard to stay committed, keep things fresh, and try to have sex as much as possible. Distancing yourself from each other sexually is a fast track to divorce. Don’t let kids, work, and life get in the way of being intimate with each other.

Old-fashioned Tip #6A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her.

Oh, quite the contrary my friends! Being naked has many benefits to your health AND makes you want to have sex more often. How? It increases your circulation and improves your confidence – both of which have been proven to increase sex drive and sexual pleasure!

While we may learn from the past in most other circumstances, sex doesn’t seem to be one of them! Thank goodness we’ve come so far so that we can cum so far. I’ll take modern sex any day of the week!

XOXO, Bella

Laugh… it’s just SEX!

I am a bit of a goofball and a klutz. I snort when I laugh. I trip over my own feet. I frequently add “that’s what he said” to the end of my friend’s sentences. In short, I am a total dork. So when it comes to my sex life, imagine it to be something like the bloopers reel from a porno. There are usually mishaps and sometimes a bit of downright silliness.

Obviously, I am very adventurous and can really get into some kinky shit. But, I also don’t take sex too seriously. Let’s face it… the things we do during sex can be a bit funny. There have been many times I have laughed during sex. At minimum, I always find something to giggle about. Why? Sometimes positions that sound fun end up a bit awkward and you don’t know what goes where. Sometimes someone farts. Really, anything can happen.

In my case, I’ve even rolled off the bed! It’s true! Recently, my partner made me cum so hard that I lost control of myself and fell out of the bed. Yep… right out of the bed and straight onto the floor with a loud thud. I was trying to roll over onto my back, but didn’t realize I was so close to the edge of the bed. I tried to recover by holding onto the comforter. But, I was spent from the sex, dizzy and fuzzy-headed from such intense pleasure. So, I just said “fuck it” and let myself fall. Real sexy stuff… And his words to ease my embarrassment? “Anything done at the moment of orgasm is excusable.” It’s that kind of attitude that we all need to have during sex… that it’s a playful, fun experience! That anything can happen and we just need to roll with it. Read on…

In my early 20’s, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He had attempted to make the room romantic by lighting candles all around the bed. It was beautiful and had the intended purpose. We started to have sex and I got lost in the passion of the moment… until I noticed a candle fall onto the bed near my head. My boyfriend was deep in thought when I breathlessly whispered, “the bed is on fire.” He said, “I know, baby… we’re on fire.” Realizing that he did not understand what was going on, I yelled, “THE BED IS ON FIRE.” He yelled back, “YAY BABY, ON FIRE”, and increased the speed of his thrusts. Finally, I pushed him off and yelled, “NOOOO! The bed is actually on FIRE!” He tamped out the smoldering sheets with a pillow.

After my divorce, I had a friend with benefits. We were hot and heavy in some intense sex. He was fucking me from behind and had been for quite a while. He was sort of leaning on me. Being a man of larger stature, the pressure on my back-end began to cause my legs to grow uncomfortable. Suddenly, my calf began to spasm with a leg cramp. I honestly couldn’t stand the pain and basically spontaneously donkey-kicked him off of me.

Another time, with another boyfriend, my legs went numb. He was a football player type and had me in a position that resembled a wrestling hold. It cut off all circulation in my legs! The sex was hot and I wasn’t really paying attention to the loss of sensation in my extremities because I had so much sensation going on elsewhere. Well, when we were done, I rolled to the edge of the bed and attempted to stand up. Yeah, I fell down. I couldn’t feel my legs and hit the floor.

After all of these moments, I just ended up laughing. My partners did, too. It’s sex! It’s supposed to be fun, even when it isn’t perfect.

Say WHAT? 10 Strange Sex Laws You Won’t Believe!

I’m sure I’ve broken a few laws during sex – laws of nature, laws of physics, laws of thermodynamics… Hell, this girl can get really freaky when she feels like it. But, there are some pretty crazy laws in various states that could actually land you in jail! I’m pretty sure I’ve never broken any of THESE laws… Maybe you have?

CALIFORNIA – Anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom… Well, best to play it safe with SATAN! You don’t know who or WHAT he’s been having sex with down there in Hell…

FLORIDA – Sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal… Uhm, ok. Wouldn’t that hurt? And besides, there are other kinds of pricks in this world!

GEORGIA – It is illegal to purchase or possess marital aides (vibrators, dildos, etc.)… OOPS! We’d be in trouble! Major, major trouble. I guess there are some things I am willing to go to jail for…

ILLINOIS – Nuzzling or kissing a reptile is prohibited… Well, stay away from the players at the bar because they tend to be total snakes…

PENNSYLVANIA – It is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth… I just wonder if you have to pay for that in exact change…

KANSAS – Anyone caught engaging in anal sex draws a maximum sentence of six months in jail… Hmmm… What If you were in jail when you got caught?

VIRGINIA – It is illegal to copulate in any position except missionary or have sex with the lights on… Oooh! Be a rebel and have sex doggy style in the dark, because that’s so sick and twisted *eyeroll*…

WEST VIRGINIA – It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs… UHM, say WHAT?! As if a smaller animal makes it any better…

ARKANSAS – Moose are not allowed to have sex on city streets… Well, you’re damn skippy they shouldn’t! Who wants to see that?

RHODE ISLAND – Oral sex is considered “abominable, detestable crime against nature,” and such activity brings a 7-to-10-year stretch in the penitentiary… Shit. Sometimes when I am down there, it FEELS like a 7-to-10-year stretch…

 

So, if  you feel like breaking any laws, you BETTER make it worth it! Hit up the RedDoor before you commit the crime and go down with a blaze of sexy glory!