How To’s

Cock Rings 101: It’s a Cinch!


Cock rings are one of the few sex toys designed for the penis. Rings can be a functional and fun part of sex play for men. By restricting blood flow in the penis, rings can change the way erections feel, how long they last, and what orgasm and ejaculation feels like. If you’re curious about them, here’s what you need to know.

What is a cock ring?
Cock rings are just that – a ring that is placed around the penis and/or scrotum. They are used to restrict blood flow out of the penis. They are also used create the a pleasurable sensation of tightness and pressure.

Can they cure ED?
Not really… but some men do find that wearing cock rings help make their erections firmer or longer-lasting.

Start with stretch.
Solid cock rings are more restrictive as your erection grows and are only recommended for men with experience with using a cock ring. Beginners should start with a soft, stretchy, and flexible ring. They are easier to put on and take off, and don’t provide as much restriction. I suggest the 3 pack Island Rings. Island Rings contains 3 sizes of soft and stretchy all-purpose rings. They are inexpensive, so you don’t have to spend a lot to try out cock rings. If you like the feel of a cock ring, you can upgrade to something sturdier or more exotic.

Lube up.
Dab on a small amount of personal lubricant on the ring (or your penis) before you put the ring on. This makes slipping on the ring much easier. It will reduce the risk of pinching of your skin or pulling hairs. I suggest our staff favorite – Swiss Navy water based lubricant. It’s super slick and long-lasting, but won’t damage the cock ring. Just go easy on the lube! Too much can make the ring slide off.

Put it on.
You may want to man-scape ahead of time to reduce the risk of snagging hairs, but lubing up should help. Simply stretch the cock ring enough so that you can slide it around the base of the penis, behind the scrotum. It should be snuggly around your cock and balls. However, if it feels uncomfortable at this point, you may want to try out a bigger ring or one with more stretch. You can also try sliding the ring just around the shaft of your penis.

Test it out.
Before you use the ring with a partner, make time to try it out on your own. It can be tricky the first few times you put a ring on or take it off. Getting used to using the ring solo will make things less stressful, awkward, or clumsy when you venture into using it with a partner. Try masturbating with a ring on. You will get used to how the ring feels with movement and friction. To begin with, you may want to remove it after five or ten minutes so you can become familiar with the various sensations cock rings provide.

Play it safe.
If you ever feel pain or discomfort with a cock ring, remove it immediately! Also, don’t wear one for too long. 30 minutes is the maximum time most doctor’s and manufacturers recommend. And never, ever use a homemade cock ring. They can harm the skin, be difficult to get off, and cause many other not so fun consequences! Why risk a trip to the ER when you can pick a cock ring up at the RedDoor?

Tips and Tricks.

Be careful when using condoms with a cock ring. The friction from the ring rubbing against the condom can cause rips and tears.

Try having your partner pull or tug on your cock ring. It can feel good for you and can be a power play for your partner. Just ask them to be careful not to squeeze or pinch too much (unless you like it).

Some cock rings are meant to please both partners. Try a ring with a vibrating head. The vibration can be pleasing to you, and will definitely stimulate your partner, too!


Have questions? Let us know and will be happy to help!

Sex Ed: Kegels and Ben Wa Balls

What are the kegel muscles?

The term “Kegel muscle” is used to refer to the muscles of the pelvic floor, the pubococcygeus muscles (PC muscles). The PC muscles hold your pelvic organs in place, control the flow of urine, and also contributes to sexual pleasure during intercourse. How? PC muscle are also responsible for the contractions you feel during an orgasm.

How do I find my kegel muscles?

To identify your pelvic floor muscles, stop urination in midstream. If you succeed, you’ve got the right muscles.

How do I strengthen my kegel muscles?

You can strengthen you PC muscles by using ben-wa balls or simple exercises. Exercises should be done multiple times a day for maximum results. Keep reading to found out how!

What are kegel exercises?

Kegel exercises are the repetitive tightening and relaxing of the PC muscles.

Why should I do kegel exercises?

Kegel exercises won’t actually tighten your vagina. But, they will tone and strengthen your vaginal muscles, which can increase your ability to be aroused. Kegels will also create a tighter grip during intercourse. They can also help intensify contractions during orgasm, because they send more blow-flow to your nether regions!


STEP 1 –  Once you’ve identified your pelvic floor muscles, empty your bladder and lie on your back. Tighten your pelvic floor muscles, hold the contraction for five seconds, and then relax for five seconds. Try it four or five times in a row. Work up to keeping the muscles contracted for 10 seconds at a time, relaxing for 10 seconds between contractions.

STEP 2 – For best results, focus on tightening only your pelvic floor muscles. Be careful not to flex the muscles in your abdomen, thighs or buttocks. Avoid holding your breath. Instead, breathe freely during the exercises.

STEP 3 – Repeat 3 times a day. Aim for at least three sets of 10 repetitions a day.


STEP 1 – Insert one ball at a time. Putting lubrication on the balls will help them glide in. Women have said that inserting the balls is similar to inserting a tampon. If you’re having trouble, you should lift one leg up. If that doesn’t work, try inserting them while lying down.

STEP 2 – Squeeze your leg muscles together and then your pelvic muscles together to hold the balls in. The balls should push down a little bit inside your vagina, and they will make your vagina feel “full”. Much like tampons, you should eventually get used to the feeling.

STEP 3 – Hold the balls inside for at least 15 minutes a day to strengthen your PC muscles. You can hold them in for hours for a better workout.

Visit us online at for Ben-Wa balls and more!

Electro-Sex… It’s SHOCKING!

shock stuff

Have you ever heard of Erotic Electro-stimulation? I didn’t think so… But it’s not something a mad scientist does!

According to Wikipedia,  Erotic Electro-stimulation is “a human sexual practice involving the application of electrical stimulation to the nerves of the body, with particular emphasis on the genitals, using a power source for purposes of sexual stimulation.” In other words, you’re shocking parts of your body for sexual pleasure.

Yeah… It’s not for everyone. I know. But, if done right, it can add an exhilarating new dimension to your sex life. You’re probably asking yourself, “WHY would anyone do that?!?!” Well, an electric current can stimulate nerve endings and involuntary muscle stimulation in erogenous areas. So basically, it’s an intense activation of the erotic nerves, which can be an extremely pleasurable experience. Some people also use electro-stimulation for S&M play. It’s an interesting way to explore the pleasure/pain boundaries. However, it has much fewer risks and lasting physical damage when compared to more traditional BDSM practices. That’s because it can be precisely controlled and does not leave physical marks, bruises, etc.

Want to learn more about the types of stimulation and safety precautions? Read here: A Guide to Erotic Electrostimulation

Think you’re ready to experiment? Try these stimulating novelties from the RedDoor:


shock therapy kit Fetish Fantasy Deluxe Shock Therapy Kit – Give your sex life a “charge” with this incredible deluxe electro-sex kit. This electric stimulation Shock Therapy Kit is perfect for first-timers and those familiar to e-stimulation alike. The easy-to-read LCD screen on the digital power control unit clearly displays the function and intensity level, and with 3 pre-programmed pulsation patterns to choose from, this attractive control unit sends electrical impulses to whichever body part you place the pad on. Choose from a sensuous tingle to a throbbing tap, all with the push of a button, and pick one of the 5 body zones to stimulate. With over 100 stimulation combinations to choose from, the possibilities are endless. Choose a setting on the power unit’s dial to control the intensity and go from a sensuous tingle to a throbbing tap in seconds. Switch between “SLOW” or “FAST” to control the frequency of the shock, or adjust the dial to control the strength of the shock. Using the timer function, the battery-powered unit will automatically shut off after a 15 minute interval. The pads are self-adhesive and reusable, attach to the lead wire using snaps, and clean up easily after the fun with PipeDream Toy Cleaner and warm water. Great for muscle stimulation, neural stimulation, and an all-over relaxing electro massage! Includes nipple clamps, cock cage, and a probe, Too!



WeVibe Thrill – Winner of 5 international awards, Thrill by We-Vibeis designed for indulgent solo play. The G-spot stimulator provides internal fullness and friction, while the clitoral vibrator delivers external stimulation. With the touch of a button, you can choose the mode that matches your mood — from a low rumble to ultra vibrations. Thrill by We-Vibe is made with body-safe materials, including medical-grade silicone, and is 100% waterproof. It also features USB charging and 90-minute recharging for 2 hours of play.



Intensity By Jopen – The JOPEN Intensity is the first sex toy built around a new patented technology created for a completely different application. It began when two medical professionals created a unique apparatus to strengthen women’s pelvic floor muscles. During the tests Jopen Intensity women began reporting intense orgasms and sexual joy like never before Created, designed, tested, perfected and manufactured 100% in the USA Inflatable Shaft for Custom Fit Dual Stimulating Electro Contacts to enhance pelvic contractions G-spot and Clitoral Vibrators 5-Level Vibration Control.


41MbPLGxR8L__SY300_KinkLab Neon Wand Electrosex Kit – The Neon Wand® is a popular device from Kinklab’s ElectroErotic® line that creates an electrical discharge across the surface of the skin. The electricity produces sensations over a broad range, from a pleasurably warm tingling, to a more intense, focused sensation that some find painful. The level of sensation created by the wand can be controlled both by a multi-level intensity dial on the wand itself, and also by which electrode you choose to use. The Neon Wand kit comes with 4 different glass attachments (Electrode Comb, Mushroom Tube, 90° Probe, Tongue Tube) that will be a thrill to experiment with. The kit color refers to the color of the light glowing in the glass electrodes. Kits are available in purple or red.

Sexy Tips for Long Distance Relationships

Are you in a long-distance relationship? Perhaps you’ve gone off to college. Or, maybe you’ve had to move for career or family reasons. Or maybe you’ve been in my shoes, where you’ve met someone amazing on a trip. No matter the circumstances, we all know how hard it can be to keep your love life alive when you can’t see your partner as much as you’d like. So, here are some tips for keeping things sexy in long-distance relationships!

1. Learn the art of phone sex and sexting… talking dirty to your partner through phone sex or sexting is a great way to keep the anticipation and passion alive. Describe things you would like to do with  your partner when you see them. Don’t know what to say? Grab some erotic literature and get your creative juices flowing. Or, simply read the erotica aloud to your partner.

2. Begin a sexy exchange of letters… In your letters, describe in detail what you would like your partner to do to you. Scent the paper with your signature perfume or cologne. Then, seal it with a kiss. Encourage your partner to write back with what they will do in return. Don’t like snail mail? Send the letters back and forth through email or social media.

3. Send sexy pictures or quick videos… Buy new lingerie and snap a pic. Send it with a tease, like “Can’t wait to wear this for you!” Fellas, snap a pic of your semi-erect cock in your boxer briefs with a tagline of “Can’t wait to finish with you!” Feeling more adventurous? Take a quick video of yourself stroking your clit or cock. Don’t finish. Just tease…

4. Have web-cam sex… Jump on your laptop’s web-cam or your iPad’s Face Time and perform for each other. Play a game of “I do, you do” or have your partner tell you exactly what they want to see.

5. Leave lust notes… When you are with  your partner, hide sexy notes or pictures for them to find after you leave.

6. Send erotic gifts… Let’s face it – there’s nothing like the real thing. But, if you’re in a long-distance relationship and want to stay monogamous, you may have to get creative. Fellas, send your gal a vibrator and include a note of what you would like her to do with it. Or schedule a time for her to use it for you via Skype or phone sex. Girls, send your guy a masturbator and include a naughty picture of yourself for him to help him imagine it’s you.

With commitment and creativity, plus lots of communication, you can maintain the flames in a long-distance relationship.

Sexy and Sensual Sensation Play!

What is “sensation play”?

Well, it depends on how you’re doing it. In short, it simply means experimenting with the senses.

For most vanilla couples, sensation play would be anything that delights in the senses, or erotic activities that impart physical sensations upon a partner. These activities could include the use of silk scarves, feathers, ice, massage oils, warm wax, and other similar implements. This is the more sensual side of sensation play, where the sensations are generally pleasing and light.

For kinkier couples or those who enjoy BDSM, sensation play can be much more intense. In this case, there tends to be more emphasis on a dominant partner controlling deliberate acts of deprivation and/or tactile stimulation. The play is meant to heighten and intensify the experience of a submissive partner. Most of the time, BDSM tactile sensation play involves some level of pain, which is meant to release endorphins. Deprivation of sensation often involves blindfolding, gagging, restraining, and orgasm prevention.

How do I get started?

To begin with, sensation play only limited by your imagination and desire. So, talk to your partner and begin a conversation about what you would like to try. Here are some questions to help your explore:

  • What do you both want to experience?
  • Are you more interested in being deprived of a sensation?
  • Or, are you interested in tactile sensations?
  • Are you going to take turns, or have one person in control?
  • What are the boundaries in terms of intensity and pain?

Next, the sensations you create can come from just about anywhere. So round up some “pervertibles”. Pervertibles are common household objects that can be “perverted” for a sexual use. They are also great for using during sensation play. Think of objects you may have around the house that could be used as blindfolds, restraints, or that will provide some sort of tactile sensation.

Finally, set aside a nice chunk of time to play. Sensation play is the best when you are both relaxed and have time to spend exploring each other bodies. Remember, this is all about exploring and experimenting. So, if something isn’t working, pick a new sensation to play around with.

What are the most common “pervertibles”?

Here is a quick list to get you started:

  • Scarves and neckties – both are useful for creating blindfolds, restraints, and gags
  • Brushes – they may great spanking devices and provide a tactile sensation when grazed across skin
  • Lotions and baby oil – both will provide a decent massage
  • Ice – run it across your lovers lips, nipples, etc. Or, run it across your lips and tongue, then use your mouth on your partner.
  • Candles – 2 words: hot wax… drizzle it across your partner’s skin
  • Feathers and fingers – both make for great tickling devices
  • Clothespins – they provide a light pinch for nipples and skin
  • Leather belts – useful for light licks or intense whacks
  • Toothbrush – graze across the skin and erogenous areas
  • Spoons – pop them in the freezer or a cup of hot water, then touch your partner with them

Really, the skies the limit. Anything can be used to create a sensation. Again, you are only limited by your creativity and desire.

What are the best toys for sensation play?

The RedDoor carries a large selection of items that can be used for sensation play. These are my top suggestions:

sensation sets

1. Fetish Fantasy Deluxe Shock Therapy Kit – Give your sex life a “charge” with this incredible deluxe electro-sex kit. This electric stimulation Shock Therapy Kit is perfect for first-timers and those familiar to e-stimulation alike. With over 100 stimulation combinations to choose from, the possibilities are endless.

2. Pocket Dungeon Kit – the Erotic Adventurer. Pocket Dungeon features a top grade, napa leather case, chock filled with essentials, for all of your erotic adventures. Pocket Dungeon Kit includes: Riding Crop, Blindfold, Door Jams/Flashlights, Cuffs, Padlocks, Nipple Clamps, Claws, Bandeau, Knife, Leather Flogger, Ball Chain Flogger, Whip, Cane, Rope, Kubaton.

Sizzling Summer Sex Tips!

Check out our top 10 sex tips for sizzling Summer fun!

  1. At a party with friends? At the local pool? Sneak off with your lover to the bathroom for a quickie or some fooling around. You don’t have to go all the way to keep things hot. Get each other revved up, then save the rest for when you’re all alone.
  2. Try one of our warming or cooling lubes. The warming sensation will create fireworks between the two of you. The tingling, cooling sensation will add a thrilling chill to the heat of the moment.
  3. Streak! That’s right – strip down to nothing and run! The feeling of being naked in public can be exhilarating. And, being naked increases your libido!
  4. Don’t want to be naked in public? Stay indoors all day… in the buff! Make it a clothes-free day at home and let things heat up whenever and wherever you want!
  5. Too hot for the pool? Have some fun in the shower or bath. We carry an extensive line of Sex in the Shower products, including wall attachments, vibrating loofas, and waterproof lubes. We also carry some fantastic, 100% water submersible toys by Jimmy Jane and We-Vibe.
  6. Want to cool things down? Try one of our glass toys that’s been chilled in the freezer! Want to heat things up? Drop the glass toy in a hot water!
  7. Be the master of CHILL! Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a spritz! Aim for nerve-packed areas like the nipples, the back of the neck, the inner thighs, the tailbone, or the backs of your knees.
  8. DRINK! Alcohol naturally loosens your inhibitions!! Don’t drink? Try one of our tropical flavored lubes, massage oils, body gels, or lickable dusters! From pina colada to tropical pineapple, we have just the flavor to mix things up!
  9. Ice, ice, baby… That’s right – experiment with ice! Or, keep it sweet with a popsicle or some ice cream. Dab small amounts onto places you’d like to lick or be licked!
  10. Want things to get really HOT? Turn off the AC! Sweating allows you to release your natural pheromones. Don’t want to do it the old-fashioned way? Try one of our  pheromone infused body products!

The Best Sex Advice You’ll Ever Get…

Being in this business, I get asked a lot of questions. People ask me advice on everything – from which lubes to buy to how to dominate your partner. In my discussions with customers, I tend to offer a lot of unsolicited advice as well. See, my job is not just to sell you a dildo or a blow-up doll for your bachelor party. My job also requires me to be a sex therapist of sorts. So, I give a lot of input on how to make your sex life better, whether you want the advice or not! Here’s some of the wisdom I have dropped over time…

MY ADVICE FOR WOMEN (Men, you should read this, too!):

1. Never fake an orgasm. Never. You are not doing yourself any favors by faking it. Your partner will never learn how to please you if you are constantly pretending to orgasm!

2. And on that note… Don’t pretend to like something you don’t. If you do not like what your partner is doing, do not pretend to enjoy it. Instead tell your lover what you DO like, or what would feel better instead.

3. To drive my point home, communicate. Very few people in the world are psychic. No one can read your mind. So, talk to your partner. Tell them what makes you feel good, what you like, what you want to try, what your boundaries are, what turns you off.

4. Accept that most orgasms require clitoral stimulation… and time. Once you accept this, work with your partner on how YOU want to achieve orgasm – manually, orally, with a toy, or combining hands/toys/intercourse.

5. Don’t be scared to try anal. Even the smallest plug can add great pleasure – for women and MEN! If your lover is a man and wants to try prostate stimulation, don’t freak out! Female and male rectum both have erogenous nerve endings that can provide a ton of stimulation. Want to learn more? Read here.

6. Buy lube and use it. You may be the wettest of the wet, but you still need lube. Lube enhances manual play by minimizing friction. Same rule applies to toys. You always want to use a good lube with your toys to minimize friction and irritation. And, if you do try anal, using lots of lube greatly reduces the potential for discomfort.

7. Be adventurous. It’s ok to try new things. Don’t be scared of the things your partner wants to try. They are asking YOU to try it. They want to do it with YOU. Take that as a sign that they ENJOY having sex with you, and feel comfortable enough to share their fantasies.

8. Always, ALWAYS use protection with someone you don’t know. People lie. End of story. Nothing ruins a hot one-night-stand like a case of herpes. No amount of sex is worth risking your health! Practice safe sex until you both have been tested.



1. See #1 through # 8 above. All of that applies to you, too!!!

2. Slow down. Sex should not be a race to orgasm. Sex should be about finding mutual satisfaction with your lover. I know this may sound like a radical idea, but it’s true. Slow down and make sure your partner is enjoying themselves!

3. Don’t be offended when your partner tells you what they need. If someone is willing to communicate with you about sex, it means they still want to have sex with you AND make it better! Better sex is never a bad thing. Trust me.


And what’s the last piece of advice I have for you? Stay sexy, shop RedDoor.




The Art of Sexless Sex

Let me paint a picture for you… Late night, stars out, bubbling hot tub, cocktail in hand, music playing, no one around. Bathing suit comes off, hands start roaming… and my clit is directed to a jet IN one of the seats (thank you to the genius who thought THAT up). I’m being kissed and my nipples are being pinched, sucked on, and teased. And before I know it, I’m collapsing against his chest, completely satisfied and exhausted… I just had sexless sex with my partner – completely satisfying, intense, and intimate.

This may not be a news flash to most of my readers, but… Sex doesn’t have to include penetration. The misconception that “real” sex requires intercourse just isn’t true! Great sex can come in many shapes, sizes, colors, sexual orientations, positions… and can be completely non-intercourse related! This is what I call “sexless sex”, having sex without intercourse. These forms of sex can be so mid-blowing that we all should try more sexless sex and erotic play!

So, this blog is all about skipping the penetration! It’s about delving deeper into sexual play and creating greater intimacy with your partner. It’s about creating a sensual environment where both of you can try new things and practice other erotic activities. It’s about finding sexual satisfaction without needing penetration. And here are some ideas for you to try…

  • For him, use a warming lube and both hands. Grip his cock between your palms and use a twisting motion as you slide up and down.
    Or, grab a masturbation toy, load it up with a warming lube, and jerk him off.
  • Don’t want to do the work? Let him rub his own cock with his hands or the toy while you tease his nipples and/or prostate.
  • For her, use a cooling lube to finger her clit and pussy. The extra tingle will heighten her pleasure.
  • Or, grab a g-spot vibrator and fuck her with it while you tease her ass and/or clit.
  • Grab a suction-cup dong and attach it to a chair or wall. Have her fuck it while she gives you a hand-job or sucks your dick.
  • Position yourselves in a 69, where you are laying on your sides. Lick and suck each other. Use your hands on each other. Hell, throw in some toys, too, for the ultimate 69!
  • Read an erotic story out loud to each other, masturbating as you read. You can mix it up by taking turns touching each other, and then only touching yourselves.
  • Have your partner videotape you pleasing yourself. Then, watch it together while you partner takes a turn getting off.
  • If you don’t have a hot tub, jump in the shower. Use the shower head to pleasure her.
  • For him, use the shower head to stimulate his prostate as he jerks off. Or, have him hold the shower head over his cock as you jerk him off.
  • Grab a vibrating sponge and lather each other into a passion.
  • Take a hot bath together. Hold her in your arms and position her clit against the warm water filling the tub. Tease her nipples as she gets off. Then, have her return the favor with a blow-job or hand-job, as you sit back and relax.
  • Grab a sensual massage oil and give each other sensual massages with happy endings.
  • Take turns giving each other oral. Or, spend time in a 69, only allowing tongues and mouths to do the work!
  • Manually stimulate each other through your clothes in a very public place.
  • Grab some lube and grind up against each other. Allow him to rub his cock between your breasts, butt cheeks, or vaginal lips until he comes. For her, rub the head of his cock against your clit, or jump on top and grind your pussy on his hard dick.
  • Even if you are in the same house, try having phone sex. Or, jump on your laptops and face cams. Set them up so you can each see the other person masturbating. Then, masturbate to a real-time porno by your lover!

As you can see, foreplay does not have to be the appetizer. It can be the MAIN COURSE. There are TONS of ways to have sex without penetration. I have just given you a few ideas to get you started. The key is to be creative. And, not only will sexless sex allow you to have amazing orgasms, it’s a great way to be closer to your lover. It facilitates intimacy and conversation, two of the keys to a fulfilling sex life. Want to give it a try? Declare a week of lovemaking that’s entirely dedicated to sexless sex! You won’t be disappointed.


Bringing your sexy back!

I’ll admit it… a few months ago, I did not feel sexy at all. Yes, me, the sex shop blogger. In the past year, I’ve gained about 20 pounds thanks to a pretty stressful change in my career. I am a curvy girl and usually embrace my body with confidence and joy. But, I’ve felt sluggish due to a lack of exercise. I am just so very busy! And well, lacking the time to care for yourself, plus a general state of exhaustion, doesn’t do much for your self-esteem.

On top of that, I experienced a pretty big break-up. The break-up had me questioning my self-worth, as break-ups often do. Hey, I’m human… AND a woman!! It happens. Afterwards, I went out on a lot of disappointing dates. Yes, I had rebound sex with a few of them. But, the sex was LAME. We’re talking so bad you’re not sure if you should laugh or cry. Conclusion? Rebound sex hasn’t done much for my self-esteem either. I could pinch myself for stooping so low! YUCK! Again, I’m human. It happens.

So, there I was, not feeling sexy at all. And let me tell you – It’s hard to inspire others to have a healthy sex life when you yourself are not feeling all that sexy. I had to do something. Somehow, I had to get my sexy back. And you know what? I did and it’s paid off. I am enjoying my body more. I have more swivel in my hips. My boobs feel perkier. My lips seem more kissable. And most of all, I am enjoying sex again! (It turns out that not all dates are disappointing). I am having fun with my partner and feel sexy, sexual, and sensual. Here’s what had to happen:

1. I decided to stop online dating – Have you ever tried online dating? It’s a sexiness killer. It’s a meat market. And if you’re not the prime cut, you’re the chopped liver. All books are judged by their cover. So, I took myself off the shelf. Why on Earth should I let a bunch of shallow men determine my worth? I’ve known all along that I am sexy, curves and all. I truly believe sexiness comes from within!! It’s all in the attitude. But, I had let a bunch of strangers convince me otherwise. So, I took my sexy back and vowed never again to let other people determine my sex appeal.

2. I decided to be myself… relentlessly – Again, this is something I have been very good about doing in the past. Being comfortable in your own skin is sexy. But, I had forgotten how empowering it is… and how freeing! When you don’t give a flying fuck about what others think of you, your confidence improves. Trust me.

3. I faked it until I felt it – I wasn’t 100% sure that I believed all the self-hype. I am a woman. And let’s face it, women tend to be insecure. So, I decided to pretend to be sexy until I believed I was sexy.

4. As part of #3, I decided to dress the part – I bought new bras and panties in pretty, flattering colors. For some reason, sexy underwear really makes me feel sexy, even if no one else ever sees it. I also bought some sexy shoes. I made of point of looking “cute” as much as possible, accentuating the things that make me sexy – my eyes, breasts, hips, and legs. I made a point of wearing make-up every day. I painted my toes in sexy colors and kept my feet pedicured. I made sure my nails were manicured, too. Now, I am not saying I did this every day, just as much as possible. Why? If I look sexy, I’LL FEEL SEXY!

5. And finally, I did a little self-love – I had forgotten how to express my sexual needs in my last relationship. This made sex very unsatisfying. Plus, when you don’t feel sexy, you don’t really want to have sex anyways. So recently, I decided to make a point of pleasing myself whenever possible. I touched my own breasts. I took the time to pleasure myself, make myself feel sexual and satisfied. I took back the power of pleasure, from something I expected others to give me, to instead something I should claim for myself. I regained my voice in the bedroom.

However, maybe you’re not a single woman rediscovering her sexiness. Maybe you’re in a relationship and things are stale. Perhaps you’re in a relationship and just feeling blah. All of the same rules above apply!

  • Stop worrying about what others think! If, you’re partner wants to have sex with you. That’s all that matters.
  • And, don’t compare yourself to others. It’s just a self-destructive way to highlight your flaws.
  • Be yourself… extra weight, wrinkles, and all! No one is perfect. We all have physical flaws. Don’t let them stop you from being sexy, or enjoying sex. If you wait until you are perfect, you’re never going to have sex again!
  • Fake it until you make it. In other words, have sex even if you don’t really want to. The more you have sex with your partner, the more you’ll begin to want it again.
  • Ditch the sweats. Put a little effort into your appearance. Also, admire you own body and accentuate the parts you love.
  • Buy sexy lingerie that highlights those areas. Flattering, new lingerie or sexy boxer can go a long way to boosting your internal sexiness.
  • Exercise… you may not instantly become a super model. But, you will have more energy and stamina.
  • Masturbate… because it feels good and teaches you what you need to orgasm.
  • Then, tell your partner what you need to orgasm. Just explaining it to them can be enough to make them want to rip your clothes off!
  • Ditch the distractions. Spend a day without TV, radios, the laptop, even the kids! Just spend a day delighting in your partner’s company.
  • Be naked a lot. Get comfortable being naked. Learn to enjoy the feel of your own skin. Love your lumps, curves, and dimples. Once you’re ok with your naked body, you’ll ooze sexiness!
  • Take naked pictures of yourself, even if it’s just of your favorite area, and send them to your partner. The reaction you get will confirm your sexiness.

I promise if you follow my advice, you’ll get your sexy back soon. You just have to remember that sexiness is something that comes from within you. It’s something you have to nurture. If you neglect your sexiness, it shows. Take time to do things for yourself, harnessing your inner sexy beast. You are sexy! Just believe it!

Need more ideas? Check out our selection of lingerie, toys, and pleasure gels to get you in a sexy mood!

Yes, HARDER! (or my thoughts on pleasure and pain)


Believe it or not, there is a “Kinky Scale” when it comes to BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadomasochism). The scale was created by Dr. Charley Ferrer in 2007. Dr. Ferrer developed the scale to “provide a general idea of where [someone falls] within the world of dominance and submission.” (, Oct. 22, 2013)  It ranges from 0 to 6, 0 being the most “vanilla” and 6 being the most “kinky” (see scale below).

Kinky Scale: 0 to 6

  • 0 – Totally vanilla, no desires nor dreams/fantasies
  • 1 – Dreams/fantasizes about it but doesn’t interact
  • 2 – Interacts in it, whether Dominant or submissive, on a compartmentalized basis
  • 3 – Fully embraces BDSM as part of their relationship and over 50% of their interpersonal/intimate relationships have a BDSM foundation/component (mixing D/s & vanilla)
  • 4 – 24/7 Master/slave interactions with their partner (over 75-80% of their interaction is D/s though vanilla interactions may be mixed in.)
  • 5 – Extreme BDSM practices (edge play)
  • 6 — Criminal sadist

To read more about the scale, click here.

If I had to pick a hard and fast number on the Kinky Scale, I would call myself a “2”. For the most part, I prefer the submissive role and like to keep my BDSM play confined to the bedroom. I like relenting, releasing control, being told what to do… in the bedroom! I don’t want to be a slave, however. I don’t have the patience to completely submit. I am what some of my Dom friends call a “brat”. I was once in a relationship where I was more of a “3”, but it didn’t work for me in the long run. I prefer my BDSM as a bedroom activity, but not much more.

When it comes to the S&M (Sadomasochism) part of BDSM, I would also say that I am a “2”, bordering on a “3”. I enjoy pain more than most people. I can actually tolerate quite a bit of pain. But, I am not actively seeking pain. And, I don’t want to do anything that could really bruise me or break my skin and make me bleed.  For example, I like to be spanked and man-handled. I like a firm bite that makes me wince, but not bleed. I like having my hair pulled on pretty hard. I don’t mind the pain of anal. And, I even don’t mind being belted, paddled, or flogged… just hard enough to make me notice and wince, but not hard enough to make me use a “safe word”.

In the past year, I became single after ending my “3” relationship of four years. I began the wild and not-so-wonderful world of dating. And, I decided to be frank about what I like and want and need. I am almost 40 years old. At this point, you just have to be yourself! Why waste time pretending to be someone you’re not? Why waste time on someone who isn’t going to give you what you want and need? It makes no sense. So, I embarked on dating with the intent to be as honest as possible about my sexual preferences without coming off as being crazy.

What I discovered was most men my age are solid 0’s when it comes to BDSM. They had no interest in or desire to try anything related to BDSM. Occasionally, I’ve met a few 1’s. They like to think about spanking or dominating a woman, but perhaps have been too scared to try. Or, maybe they just haven’t found the right woman with which to experiment. However, whenever I tell them about my BDSM likes, 0’s and 1’s alike always have 2 responses: they’d feel uncomfortable hurting someone, and they want to know why I like it.

Let me address the first statement… Do not feel uncomfortable with hurting me. I am asking you to hurt me. I WANT you to hurt me. And sometimes, I NEED you to hurt me to get me off. When I say “harder”, I mean “HARDER” and I will let you know if it’s too hard. I promise you that if you are doing anything outside of my comfort-zone, I will let you know immediately. Furthermore, I am not going to just jump into this. I want to get to know anyone before I let them experiment with me. I want to have conversations about it, so that we are both on the same page. We’re never going to do something if I don’t know you and trust you. If I trust you to hurt me, then know that it’s OK.

As for why I like it… I honestly don’t have a clear answer. Nothing happened to me as a child that caused me to have deep psychological issues where I desire punishment. It’s not that. I don’t really want to be punished, anyways. I think it’s just that I am a sensual person. I like anything to do with the senses. I like color and sound, art and music. I love tastes and smells, decadent foods and luxury perfumes. I like touch, sensual and soft, or hard and quick. So for me, a fast, hard smack on the ass ignites my senses. It lights up my body and keys me in to all the sensations of sex. A strong pull of my hair makes me hyper-aware that you’re thrusting inside me from behind. In other words, the pain heightens my pleasure. I don’t think that’s so hard to understand. All that aside, it’s just fun for me. I like to keep things interesting in the bedroom. I like variety. So, throwing in some BDSM every now and then adds the spice I need.

And, sometimes… I am just a naughty girl who needs a spanking. 😉